Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole) | teapawt

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@fessholeOct 21

Your Fesshole editor has done a book, a response to the world being dominated by AI slop, he's gone back to his ZX81 & written 81 jokes and also, illustrated each one using the exact limitations of this 1981 computer. All by hand. Buy it for Xmas. spelk.press/gb/products/81-j…

81 jokes for the zx81

ALT 81 jokes for the zx81

“Ridiculously niche but ridiculously joyful” Richard Herring “Greatest book ever made and you win. Profound.” Joel Morris (Philomena Cunk co-creator) “Bloody amazing” M. J. Hibbert (Hey Hey 16K songwriter) “Excellent vintage humour. Lifts corny to an art.” Otto English “A ZX Triumph. The joke book I never knew I needed.” Ben Wheatley (film director)

ALT “Ridiculously niche but ridiculously joyful” Richard Herring “Greatest book ever made and you win. Profound.” Joel Morris (Philomena Cunk co-creator) “Bloody amazing” M. J. Hibbert (Hey Hey 16K songwriter) “Excellent vintage humour. Lifts corny to an art.” Otto English “A ZX Triumph. The joke book I never knew I needed.” Ben Wheatley (film director)

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I was ghosted after a one night stand with a man at work, found out on socials it was in favour of a girl on his corridor. 2.5 years later, they've split up but still have to share a tiny three-person office. It's the best thing that's happened to me at work in ages.

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You know those paintings you do with your 2 year old when you fold the paper & make a butterfly, well I do that with my toilet paper.

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Scuba diving in Dubai in 1997 with a guy who looked just like Kenny Rogers. I was too young to ask if it was him, but when a jellyfish wrapped around my leg, "Kenny" scraped it off. It still bothers me that I don't know whether I've got a cracking story or just met his lookalike

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I'm 57 and my wife died almost two years ago. Devastated obviously. Kids were amazing, youngest came back from uni and eldest one moved back, but I really want them to go and get on with their lives. Their mum would want it and I want to get some shagging in before I'm too old.

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If you sit there and don't say anything it's like he's still here, so sit there and be quiet. My family at my twin brother's funeral. That's why I ghosted them all dobbed some members in for benefit fraud.

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I'm a Solicitor who specialises in Probate matters. Even after all these years I still find it sad if someone has died and leaves behind no family. It feels weird dealing with their personal possessions and I talk to them in their home as if they are there.

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I used to pay my son £15 quid a time to wash my car. Now that he wants to play airsoft every month, I make him and his pals do it in exchange for a lift to the airsoft site. Only costs me about £3 in fuel, I'm saving £12.

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In 2008 I wrote a networking utility program for Linux. It's still maintained and used. Take the first letter of every sentence in its (rather long) man page and it spells "Never gonna give you up" etc etc. Nobody has ever mentioned it.

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My friends think I'm weird because I prefer to read sheet music than listen to a recording. But for me, a recording will never be as true as the music on the page. Please tell me I'm not the only person with this preference.

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Maybe I'm really cheap by I object to spending 58p on each Tesco branded condom. It really adds up over a weekend. I wish Aldi did own branded condoms.

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My brother bought me a pair of string backed driving gloves for my birthday. I neither own a car, nor have a driving licence. He's teetotal, so I'll get him a bottle of brandy.

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I grew up with a chronic childhood illness that I discovered was exacerbated by eating chocolate. At morning break I would buy a Marathon, as it was called then, from the tuck shop and mum would have to come from work and take me home. Sorry mum.

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Admit your truth today. Submit your fess now: b3ta.com/addfess

Fesshole - Anonymous Confessions

Fesshole - Anonymous Confessions

Submitting a confession to Fesshole gives Fesshole permission to publish it. Duh. Also we DO NOT store your email - that asterisk saying 'required' is to stop people submitting blank confessions.

docs.google.com

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Got bowel cancer and ended up with a stoma. Its not that bad tbh but one thing I do really miss is the ability to pass wind. The satisfaction of letting rip a big fart, especially ones that make you laugh has gone forever. Cherish your farts people, each one is a precious gift.

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I know we're not supposed to judge people on appearances, but there's a guy at my gym who just has the face of someone who fucking loves cocaine and beating his wife and his kids. I obviously can't prove the theory though.

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Even though they aren't dead yet, I've already written eulogies for my close family members that I'll read out at their funerals. It pays to be prepared for inevitabilities. You never know when it'll happen & I wouldn't be in a good mental state to write anything after the fact.

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My wife complains I am no good at planning, but this is nonsense. She's gone away with our daughter for a shopping weekend and I've planned: bacon roll, cricket on Sky, cake, football on TNT, sausage rolls, porn and a wank, football on Sky, curry, bottle of wine, & whiskey.

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Add your fess: b3ta.com/addfess

There's an old guy in Florida with the same name as me who keeps entering my Gmail address when he shops online. Today he has booked tickets for Donald Trump & Bill O'Reilly Live in Orlando in December, so I have changed the name on his account to Trump Isacunt. Fesshole GOLD from 28th June 2021

ALT There's an old guy in Florida with the same name as me who keeps entering my Gmail address when he shops online. Today he has booked tickets for Donald Trump & Bill O'Reilly Live in Orlando in December, so I have changed the name on his account to Trump Isacunt. Fesshole GOLD from 28th June 2021

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Whenever I start a home improvement or DIY project, I immediately contact my best friend for advice knowing full well that within the hour, he will be at my door ready to take control while I make tea and pass him tools.

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Gave my old Alexa to my Grandpa and realised I could listen to what he asks her on the Amazon app on my phone. Wasn't prepared for when he asked her "Can 93 year olds still masturbate"

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