Chapin

Friend Instagram DMs me his phone number. Tap on number, get a prompt to message him via WhatsApp. Open WhatsApp, which tells me friend is not on WhatsApp.

Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger are back in "9 1/2 Years." They're married, couple of kids. They argue a lot, when they're not ignoring one another. They never have sex.

"Rift" implies a divide. If one person does something and is universally condemned for it, you need another word.

Winning the first marathon you've ever entered is hilarious actually

Halloween is like pro sports for me. I can't do what these people do, they're operating on another level. But I appreciate the skill. I enjoy watching.

Haley Stevens can fuck off. Win your primary, then maybe you can dictate terms.

(Penelope Cruz in The Invite talking about her boobs voice) my boobs

Guy on the train today watching "The Holiday" on his phone. Has to be relationship homework, right?

Why does it look like they're locked in a custody battle over him

No one here writes well enough to justify the length of some of these posts.

In sports I'm always going to root for the guy with a middle-aged hairline

The World Series? You know, the unifying monocultural event now accessible only through subscription-based apps.

Guy on his way out of the liquor store just called out, waving, "Have a great night everybody! Get home safe!" like he was saying goodbye to friends at a bar.

Fragile Truce would be such a beautiful name for a baby girl

Your contrarian take is disingenuous and uninteresting.

The price of my basic NY Times subscription is increasing by 20%. Still no sports.

Had a good birthday. Got drunk, didn't look at my phone much.

Every 5-year-old in Brooklyn is more stylish and interesting than I am.