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Seriously. They could have seen this coming.

The era of hopping turnstiles is officially over in the Big Apple, because the MTA just fixed the problem of fare evasion once and for all: NYC’s subway fare gates have been replaced by a little guy who bites you if you don’t pay. Wow. If a small biting man doesn’t deter fare evaders, truly nothing will! As of today, New York has removed fare gates from all MTA subway stops throughout the city and replaced them with a little man, who will bite anyone that tries to access the subway without paying, regardless of the fare evader’s age, race, or gender. In a statement announcing the new fare evasion policy, NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani emphasized that “every subway rider’s fare is important for funding subway maintenance” and that “once the little guy bites a fare evader, he will not let go until the fare has been collected.” “We’re confident a small man who bites will be a more effective, cost-efficient way to collect New York subway fare than traditional gates and turnstiles,” wrote Mayor Mamdani in the statement. “Even if fare evaders make it onto a train before the little guy can bite them, the little guy will be waiting for them at the next stop, where he will sprint into the subway car as soon as the doors open and clamp his down on the fat of the fare evader’s thigh until they present the $3.00 they should have paid in the first place. While testing the small biting man system, those who were bit say his bite was similar to that of a horse, with teeth not sharp enough to draw blood, but an amount of biting pressure painful enough to teach them a lesson.” According to Mamdani, the city is hiring one little guy for each of New York’s 472 subway stations, and they are set to receive “an entry-level salary of $91,000 to bite turnstile hoppers, a small tradeoff to save the city billions in fare evasion over the next decade.” Absolutely brilliant. Hats off to Mayor Mamdani and the MTA for devising such an elegant solution to one of NYC’s longest-standing issues. Everyone who criticized Mamdani’s push for free buses is eating crow now that NY will be collecting billions in fare that would’ve been lost without his small biting guys. The greatest city in the world just got even greater!

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Who else can relate?! 🤣

Bernie Sanders said WHAT?!

As the Trump administration continues scaling back the Affordable Care Act, the cuts to Obamacare leave many low income individuals wondering what to do for healthcare. Sadly, President Trump’s newest roadmap for them isn’t exactly well thought-out: Trump’s latest plan to fix Obamacare is for everyone to get a nurse friend they can text pictures of their weird rashes to. Woof. Well it’s better than nothing, we guess? As a White House spokesperson explained at a press conference earlier today, “Starting early 2027, it’s recommended that anyone who has been denied for health insurance instead befriend a nurse they can casually send pictures of their rashes to, a service which will be no-to-low cost.” The spokesperson continued to explain that the nurse will be able to tell if it’s just some random hives that needs a little cortisone or if it’s seriously infected MRSA. “As long as you don’t annoy the nurse friend too much—like definitely don’t just send her a standard mosquito bite, save this for when you really need it—she will likely continue to do this for you forever, so it’s actually even better than a healthcare plan, which often changes year-to-year,” added the spokesperson. “And you can also text her about other stuff, cancer, diabetes, et cetera, so that’s good too.” The White House then declined to answer any questions about what will happen if the nurse friend suggests you do need actual medical care for the rash, cancer, diabetes, or anything else. Yikes. This definitely isn’t going to be that reassuring for any Americans who’ll be kicked off their health insurance plans soon, but it seems like their only option is to go hang around a hospital parking lot and try making friends with a nurse.

Jesse Plemons said WHAT?!

All Americans want this. Let's make it happen.

Millions are in mourning today following a deadly Halloween-related incident that claimed the lives of some of the world’s bravest and most accomplished space explorers: Officials have confirmed that six astronauts on board the International Space Station died today after attempting to wear witch costumes in space to celebrate Halloween. This is a truly devastating loss. Our hearts go out to the friends and loved ones of these courageous astronauts whose love for Halloween ended up costing them their lives. The tragedy occurred early this morning when astronaut Lt. Stewart McPherson began a live webcam stream in which he appeared with five other astronauts all wearing witch costumes. Lt. McPherson looked into the camera and said, “Happy Halloween from all of us evil witches on the International Space Station! Now we shall fly into outer space and do the Devil’s bidding!” The six astronauts then all started doing a high-pitched cackle before they opened the airlock and leaped into space screaming, “Fly, my evil brethren, fly!” Within moments of exiting the airlock, the astronauts were all floating lifelessly in space dressed in the pointed hats and robes they had purchased from Party City before they left Earth. Approximately three minutes later a sixth astronaut jumped out of the airlock in a witch’s costume even though she could clearly see her five colleagues floating dead right in front of her. She passed away moments later. The astronauts had also brought broomsticks with them as they left the space station so that they could float around on them in zero-gravity as though they were real witches, which officials say would have been a “truly spooky trick” had the astronauts not suffocated in the vacuum of space before they got a chance to pull it off. A rescue shuttle was swiftly dispatched to the ISS to retrieve the bodies of the six scary astronauts, but sadly the four astronauts aboard this second spacecraft were also celebrating Halloween and went into space all dressed as Michael Myers from the Halloween movie franchise. Within moments these astronauts were also dead, and now NASA is left trying to figure out how to retrieve the corpses of the six witches and four Michael Myers that are drifting together outside the space station. This is absolutely heartbreaking. It’s safe to say that this is the saddest Halloween in the history of space travel. Hopefully next year the ISS astronauts can pull off a fun Halloween scare without anyone dying!

Jelly Roll said WHAT?!

Between a never-ending stream of bizarre media appearances and internal complaints about his excessive drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is steadily eroding confidence in our country’s federal law enforcement. However, just when you thought he’d brought enough shame to the FBI, he does this: Kash Patel is trying to play off the human centipede he was surgically added to as a Halloween costume. It really doesn’t get more pathetic than this. How can anyone take the FBI seriously when it’s run by someone attached to a literal human centipede?! Yesterday, FBI Director Kash Patel arrived to a press conference with his mouth sewn to the anus of an unidentified woman, and his anus sewn to mouth of an unidentified man, which a spokesperson for the FBI claimed was part of Patel’s elaborate “Halloween costume.” Patel was accompanied by 12 other strangers in total, all surgically sewn together orifice-to-orifice into a human centipede, with Patel serving as the center link in the chain of nude, wailing people. Unable to answer a reporter’s question about the FBI’s unconstitutional probes of anti-ICE protestors, Patel instead scribbled “i cant wait for halloween” on a legal pad through tears, visibly suffering as the person whose anus his mouth was sewn to began to pass a heavy bowel movement into Patel. According to sources, a number of FBI employees were caught off-guard and dismayed by Patel’s “viscerally upsetting” press appearance, expressing outrage that “the people attached to Patel’s mouth and anus were non-FBI personnel, meaning people with zero security clearance are now privy to sensitive information concerning active investigations.” “It’s beyond unprofessional for the acting FBI Director to wear a Halloween costume on the job, so that would be a poor excuse for conducting FBI business from the center of a human centipede even if it were true—which it clearly isn’t,” said an Executive Assistant Director at the bureau, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “To wind up in a human centipede and then blatantly lie about it just to save face speaks volumes about Kash Patel’s character. In my 20 years at the bureau, I’ve never seen leadership undermine itself in such reckless, demoralizing fashion.” Just pitiful. Mr. Patel has single-handedly turned the FBI into a national laughingstock. President Trump needs to replace Kash Patel ASAP if he cares about the FBI maintaining a shred of integrity––that is, if this distraction hasn’t destroyed it entirely. Showing up to work naked, weeping, and sewn ass-to-mouth with a dozen strangers would get you fired from most other jobs, but apparently not in the Trump administration. America is so screwed, isn’t it? Ugh.

Folks, we can’t make heads or tails of this. There’s an absolute headscratcher of a situation going on with this upstate New York dive: It’s impossible to tell whether everyone in this small town bar is dressed for Halloween, or that’s just what people look like there. Either these people are in Halloween costumes, or they look that way all the time, and both answers have an equal likelihood of being true. This is a true coin flip. With outfits and demeanors ranging from eccentric to downright frightening, no one could be faulted for assuming that the clientele of Knoxie’s Pub in Lafayette, NY went all out for Halloween, or that the area simply fosters a socioeconomic class of people who always look like that. From the three greasy, cackling men in flannels who could easily be doing a three-person group costume referencing Deliverance, to the nurse with conspicuous cleavage and too much makeup flirting with an eye-patched man in a fisherman’s slicker, it’s a total toss-up whether these people came straight from work or Party City. To the naked eye, every bargoer in Knoxie’s Pub exists in the razor-thin margin between real-life archetypes and Halloween costume stereotypes. There are only two places where you’ll see genuine hippies in Baja hoodies and dreadlocks drinking alongside bandana-wearing, mustached bikers: a Halloween party, or an upstate New York dive bar. Knoxie’s Pub seems to be a genuine liminal space separating the two, because there is no telling if this is what the regulars look like on any given day, or just on October 31st. There’s literally an old man with yellow-y skin and a bolo tie–who, if he isn’t dressed as Grandpa Simpson, needs to go to a hospital, because he’s clearly dying of liver disease or something–getting ejected by a bouncer wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin-style jeans and leather vest. It is a complete enigma. Halloween, and just any other night at this pub…what’s the difference? Your guess is as good as ours. Until someone goes into this bar and asks, the question of whether these people love Halloween or their natural appearance just serves as Halloween costume inspo will remain a complete mystery. Festive or not, cheers to the people of Knoxie’s Pub for looking like that, whatever the reason may be!

Say goodbye to summer and get ready for cooler days and earlier sunsets. Someone put a witch hat on Grandma, and that means it’s officially fall! Yep, it looks like it’s that time of year again. Someone came by the living room earlier today and plopped a witch hat right on Grandma’s head, so you know that Halloween is just around the corner and autumn has officially arrived. All the signs of the new season are here: The leaves are changing, there’s a crisp chill in the air, and Grandma is staring straight ahead with a passive expression that makes it impossible to tell whether or not she cares that somebody just walked right up to her and put a witch hat on her head without asking. The hat probably came from the attic! Just one look at Grandma sitting silently in the living room with a witch hat on her head and you’ll know that it’s unmistakably fall. It’s time to put away your shorts and break into those comfy autumn sweaters, because someone just drooped some fake cobwebs over Grandma’s IV to go with her hat, and it’s pretty clear she didn’t opt in on either! So get ready to start drinking cider and carving jack-o’-lanterns! Grandma’s got a witch hat on that’s just sort of sitting there like she’s some kind of living mannequin or piece of furniture, and that means that fall has officially begun! We can’t wait!

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Tom Cruise said WHAT?!

Well, this is something that could be considered a “mess.” Thirty-four-year-old realtor Janice Forte just found out that her work-husband Chris Patterson’s gym-wife, personal trainer Lucia Walton is her real husband Cliff Forte’s ex-classroom crush Faith Owens’ dog-park-girlfriend. Talk about awkward! Yesterday in the Sunny Isles Realty breakroom, where Janice and Chris have coffee together every morning and share boring stories about their kids while sort of wanting to hold hands but definitely not badly enough to actually go through with it or anything, the small amount of shit hit the slow-moving fan. Chris let it slip that his gym-wife Mia Southern, whom he had mentioned he had talked about creatine brands with on several occasions prior to becoming work-married to Janice on the day they bonded over both having seen the latest Fast and Furious movie over the weekend, had recently mentioned that she had smiled at the really cute woman she sees at the dog park every Tuesday who she “definitely would smash” if she were single, gay, or at least bi. Now here’s where things get not necessarily “messy,” but somewhat untidy, in a way: Upon doing a little bit of barely invested Facebook sleuthing, Janice was able to determine that her work-husband’s gym-wife’s gym crush’s dog-park-girlfriend was none other than Faith Owens, who Janice’s official husband, Chris, had a mild crush on when they had a chemlab together in 2012, which Faith only knows because Chris once used her as an example of a woman he considered a “7.” Yikes? While it’s doubtful that this information will ever make its way back to Chris, due to the fact he never spoke to Faith when he had a class with her much less speaks to her now, plus the fact that it’s unclear if Faith actually knows she’s is Mia’s dog-park-girlfriend or if it’s just more a dog-park-situationship to her, the stage is set for something somewhat uneventful–but still not good–to happen here. All it’s going to take to set this mildly explosive powder keg off is a bunch of sparks. The potential for this love pentagon of people who have extremely superficial romantic connections–which in some cases they are completely unaware of–to go off the rails isn’t that high, and even if it did it wouldn’t be that bad. Still, this is as messy as a work-husband’s-gym-wife’s-dog-park-girlfriend love pentagon can get.

Mike White said WHAT?!

NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist views may be polarizing, but not even his biggest critics can point to corruption as a concern about his first term in office—at least, not yet. Unfortunately, a new scandal threatens to derail all the goodwill he’s accumulated so far: An investigation has found that Mayor Mamdani has been quietly using NYC street sweepers to clean his personal home. What a horrible look for Mayor Mamdani. The bar for politicians was in hell, and it just got a little lower. Ugh. According to a New York Post investigation published today, Mayor Zohran Mamdani allegedly made backdoor deals with the Department Of Sanitation to have city-owned street sweepers clean his personal residence at Gracie Mansion. The report found that soon after taking office in January 2026, Mamdani privately redirected weekly street sweeper routes to collect litter from his bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathrooms – personal spaces where the mayor is not subject to the same alternate side parking rules and enforcement that New Yorkers are on all other public street cleaning routes. Sources say say the mayor’s first course of action upon moving into Gracie Mansion was to construct a “private, street sweeper-sized entrance” on the back of the home, and “renovate all staircases into street sweeper-accommodating ramps” that would allow the street cleaning vehicles to sweep the entire house and return to the street with discretion. When asked for comment, Mayor Mamdani agreed to a phone call with New York Post reporters after returning home from City Hall for the night, but his response to the allegations was “completely inaudible over the deafening clamor of street sweepers.” Just unbelievably disappointing. Turns out Zohran Mamdani is no less crooked than Eric Adams. It’s no wonder Mamdani gets along with President Trump so well, since they both can’t help but abuse the power Americans entrusted to them. We truly never fathomed that Mayor Mamdani would stoop to using a taxpayer-funded street sweeper for personal cleaning purposes, but here we are. Sigh. New York deserves so much better.

If you’re one of our practicing Catholic readers, get excited, because your community is on its way to getting another saint: The Catholic Church just reclassified the time Lenny Kravitz’s penis popped out of his pants as a miracle. And would you look at that—Mr. Kravitz is now well on his way to sainthood! Back in 2015, musician Lenny Kravitz’s penis burst out of his pants while the singer squatted while performing in Sweden. At the time, the event was portrayed by the media as a wardrobe malfunction that accidentally exposed the “Fly Away” singer’s large genitalia, but now, after years of rigorous examination, the Catholic Church has announced that the penis pop was no accident, but rather a divine miracle. The report, compiled by the Dicastery for the Causes of Saints, finds several pieces of evidence that prove the event was a miracle, such as the fact that hundreds of women in the crowd had prayed to Mr. Kravitz so that he would show them his penis, as well as the fact that during the incident his penis managed to pop out of clothes, which, on every other day of his life, have successfully concealed his penis. The Pope then agreed that this event could only be explained as the work of the Lord, which has officially given Lenny Kravitz “Blessed” status. Simply amazing! Only one more miracle and Lenny Kravitz will officially be canonized as a saint! Be sure to pray to Lenny Kravitz tonight to help make Saint Kravitz a reality!

Tim Cook said WHAT?!