Moms Out-to-lunch

Pro tip: Hand undressed s.o. the baby then go on to balcony. Cant give you baby bc he's undressed. Cant get dressed bc the baby.

My baby and I were on a walk, one of my neighbors tried to approach, he screamed until she backed down and that's all the paternity testing I need

Anytime I'm feeling down I remember I grew eyeballs in my belly, so yeah... I'm pretty cool.

Me: *Minding my own business* S.O.: Bust them titties out girl. The baby is fussy #momlife

Is exclusively pooping mid daiper change a milestone because that's where we are in his development #momlife

For a while I thought our dog was protective of our nb. Turns out, she was just plotting to steal the pacifier and doesnt like babies. Me too bud, me too.

Now that we have a newborn, I understand why my husband takes 20 min to use the bathroom. #momlife

Me: Is this poop on the bed? Husband: It was him, not me! (Referring to our NB)

Last sunday was my first mothers day, which was the same as every other day except I bought myself lillies.

You have 35 daipers in the morning. Baby A makes 3 poops and Baby B makes 1 poop. How many are left in the evening? None with 2 loads of laundry. #momlife

After extensive testing #quarantinestyle, I can say with certainty that guiness helps with milk production.

When someone invites me hiking I immediately think it's a set up for an ep on #dateline. Not today #MurderHornets

If anyone is curious, it wasn't poison, my husband was displaying flu like symptoms.

Being a mom around coworkers is hiding the fact you needed to mouthwash instead of brush to make it to work on time. #momlife

Being a mom around friends is pretending you kid brushed their teeth and bathe regularly #momlife

Sometimes I'll take selfies with @Snapchat filters to remind myself what I looked like before I traded sleep for a baby. #momlife

I knew my husband bonded with our newborn when I heard him congratulating our son on a poop well done. #marriage