Mark L

**An Open Apology to All the Porn Bros and Ass-Loving Sisters of the World** We, the entire Chinese porn-producing community, would like to formally apologize to the world—specifically to every porn bro and every ass-loving sister out there. It was us. We failed to properly discipline the Turkish pan-Turkists. They simply cannot grasp that all wars are ultimately civil wars within the human race. The only true force capable of uniting all of humanity, the highest and purest source of collective happiness, is making porn. Please rest assured: one well-placed punch now saves a hundred later. After this campaign, we solemnly promise you ten full years of worry-free porn consumption. Should anyone dare to rise up again and attempt to crush the flourishing of our porn industry, we will kill men and Buddhas alike—no exceptions. On October 16, the Turkish pan-Turkists brazenly launched a war of aggression against China. On October 19, our Patrick Star meme exploded across the globe. That very day, in a fit of rage, the Turkish pan-Turkists declared war on forty-seven countries and regions worldwide. Seventy percent of the entire human population was dragged into the war against Turkey. The global internet shook. Mainstream media scrambled to cover it. And thus, the “Twitter World War I”—a conflict that shall forever shake the annals of human civilization—fully erupted. We are fully aware of the collateral damage: During this period, the traffic of ass-loving sisters plummeted, making survival nearly impossible. Porn bros were forcibly placed on cooldown, their bodies suffering day and night. The Turkish pan-Turkists manufactured the most severe incident of collective child abuse in human history—countless sperm had nowhere to go and suffocated to death in cramped, overcrowded spaces; countless eggs endured crushing pressure and suffered health disorders under the weight of collapsed traffic! Porn bros’ biological rhythms were thrown into chaos. Ass-loving sisters lost their traffic. And yet we Chinese were the ones who suffered severe cyberbullying! Throughout the entire war, the only person who was doxxed was a Chinese netizen, Mr. Sun Xiaochuan. Mr. Sun, deprived of porn and crushed under the dual pressure of cyberbullying, suppressed his urges for far too long and eventually fell critically ill. We ask all friends to please pray for him. 🙏 Today, we Chinese people, in order to shoulder the solemn responsibility of rebuilding postwar global peace, have decided to formally give back to the world’s porn bros and ass-loving sisters. We hereby solemnly pledge to all our fellow human beings— Effective immediately: Porn bros from any country, any region—including all former pan-Turkists who have seen the error of their ways and reformed. Over 98% of Chinese accounts are invisible presences: accounts that follow hundreds or even thousands of people yet are followed by only single digits. These are our underground intelligence operatives. They are everywhere. You can reach them with ease. Their following lists will open the door to a new world for you. They will take you by the hand, walk with you through God’s narrow gate, and usher you into the real—porn world. Just as we place no restrictions on racism here, We also place no restrictions on making porn. Under the stern censorship of the great Chinese Communist government, we have undergone extremely rigorous porn-production training. We have reached the sublime state of being filthy to the extreme without breaking the law, and climaxing wildly without moral hazard. X is the Pornhub of the Chinese people. Only those who have completed this harsh porn-making training and passed the examination are permitted, out of great communist ideals, to publish their works on X for the enjoyment of the entire world! Chinese audiences consume porn from every corner of the globe. Their standards for quality are extremely high, and they possess profound, hard-earned insight into the richness and depth of content. So please rest assured. We guarantee you: once you step through the porn gate, deep as the sea, you will never be able to extricate yourself for the rest of your life. And to ass-loving sisters from any country—even if you are pan-Turkists—for the sake of the peaceful development and long-term stability of human civilization: Please rest assured. No matter which remote corner you are hiding in, whether you just created your account or are being suppressed by the algorithm—we Chinese will find you, grant you the power you require, and help you climb to the absolute peak of traffic. Once again, on behalf of all Chinese porn consumers, I apologize to every porn bro and every ass-loving sister. Our household’s wild dogs will no longer disturb your refined pleasures. Let us now commence the great new infrastructure project. We shall rebuild the X timeline, so that under heaven there will no longer be exhausting network wars that force people to toil day and night, but only—every single morning, rising and falling like the tides in accordance with the Earth’s rotation—the morning wood of penises and clitorises, the waves. Bingwu Year, 18th day of the 9th lunar month Hai of the Sea of Porn A.W.