CaptainLawrence

People of Cowford, The Colts attempted a surprise invasion of our soil and left looking like a children’s pony ride gone horribly wrong. We annihilated them 42-7. Indianapolis, next time send actual soldiers. Not the county fair. Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑

People of Cowford, We fought the Texans, but a third army emerged. THE ZEBRAS. Armed with yellow flags and questionable eyesight, they stole our victory. We came to London to fight cattle, not a corrupt safari. The Crown demands an investigation! Capt. Lawrence 👑

People of Cowford, TREACHERY! While we celebrated our conquest of London, Houston Texans crossed the Atlantic and launched a sneak attack! We defeated the Eagles. We shall not be conquered by livestock. TO ARMS! Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑

“Cry, Eagles, Cry.” 😂🐆

DDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVVVVVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

People of Cowford, Against the Eagles, the village of Philadelphia, and the treacherous striped officials, WE PREVAILED! Commander Little delivered the final explosive blow upon the Eagles’ camp! To Philly, the Eagles, and the referees: KINDLY GET FUCKED. Capt. Lawrence 👑

People of Cowford, The battle for London has begun. Why in God’s name are all the townsfolk of Philadelphia here? Did the British lose another war and forget to tell us? The Eagles have brought an entire village of angry peasants. Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑

People of Cowford, We have crossed the Atlantic and arrived upon British soil. We challenge the Eagles to a duel. Our scouts report they are armed with cheesesteaks, foul language, and an inflated sense of importance. God save the King. Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑

People of Cowford, Cincinnati has fallen. All week they asked us: “Who Dey?” We have traveled hundreds of miles to provide an answer. WE DEY. @ColJoeBurrow has been defeated. The Bengal has been declawed. Who Dey? DUUUVAL DEY. Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑

This transmission aged like fine wine

People of Cowford, Colonel Joseph has insulted your King and, more importantly, the hair. This aggression cannot stand. I summon the Cowford Army. You know what to do. Show no mercy. Capt. Lawrence 👑 King of the South

People of Cowford, Dawn has broken over enemy territory. @ColJoeBurrow stands across the field. His Bengal Army behind him. No more letters to Father. No more diplomacy. Jaguars sharpen your claws. Cincinnati… Today, we fight. Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑

People of Cowford, Our march north has begun. Soon we enter Ohio, a land our scouts describe as gray, damp & inexplicably proud of chili served on spaghetti. @ColJoeBurrow awaits. Pray for our safe passage through this strange territory. Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑

Colonel Joseph, Come here, old friend. 🫂 A defeat such as this wounds the spirit. I embrace you in your darkest hour. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way… Wanna get your asses kicked next week? Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑

People of Cowford, Victory. We defeated the Patriots and survived the dark magic of the ancient Brady 28-3 curse. Most importantly, all wives have been accounted for. General Vrabel leaves Cowford empty-handed. The Bank stands. Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑

IYKYK

People of Cowford, The Patriots have landed upon our soil, led by General Vrabel. Men, secure your wives. The General is loose at the Bank. Their northern rebellion ends here. Sharpen the claws. Sound the DUUUVAL. Today, we fight. Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑

People of Cowford, I failed you today. The battle was ours to take, but my interception turned the tide. No excuses. The blame belongs to your Captain. We return home wounded, not conquered. I will answer for this. Capt. Lawrence, King of the South

People of Cowford, We have crossed the plains and climbed into the mountains of Denver. Capt. Nix awaits us, with General Peyton plotting from the rear. They say the air is thin here. By sundown, so shall be their hopes. Cowford marches. Capt. Lawrence, King of the South 👑