Danny Braff

Earlier today I saw the new Chris Hansen movie and now I’m at a terrible ambush comedy show at a coffee shop. I’d rather be in the movie than at this show.

I would

“Vaginas are actually self cleaning” - A woman with a stinky pussy

I’ll have the state of New Jersey, Shaken, not Stirred

Hope I don’t bomb

Don Jovi be like: “Stabbed through the heart, and You’re to blame”

Pumpernickel Bagels are great for when you want a bagel but don’t want to enjoy it.

The problem with playing the Mohegan Sun Arena is you have to put the word “Uncasville” on you tour posters and shirts.

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he will post douche’y pics with a bass on Instagram

If the writers strike goes well, hopefully bar shows will start paying 2 drink tickets.

Just had a host bring me on stage as @zachbraff. I’ve never seen a crowd get so excited only to be immediately disappointed.

Congratulations to Jamie Lee Curtis for winning best supporting actress in that Yogurt commercial. #Oscar #oscars

Neck, Back,Pussy, Crack is the adult version of Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes.

I don’t mean to brag but I got a blue check mark on Tinder.

There is a Hooters opening up in my town where there used to be a Perkins. It went from Perkins to Perky.

Yesterday my friend told me his car was stolen and I asked him if he checked his ass… I have a problem

The clit doesn’t exist. Just another example of the Mandela Effect.

Fell asleep on the plane. F@&ked up my neck, my back, my pussy, and my crack.

Last night, my friend and I were driving past the most beautiful Mosque you have ever seen and my friend thought it was a new location for Medieval Times.