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Memo No. 8 From The National Welfare Desk of Men 10 COMMANDMENTS FROM MY “FATHER” {Long Read-8 Minutes} I lost my father at a very young age. I would have ended up as a broken adult like so many who grew up without fathers. However, I was lucky that I was surrounded by strong father and male figures from whom I continue to draw a lot of positive lessons on how to be a better man. There is an Elliott Hulse lecture on YouTube where he gave ten commandments or lessons he learnt from his father. His father, pushing 70-plus is still a kickass fella, who fixes his own roofs and does proper workouts routinely. In one of the presentations, Hulse shares a platform with his father, and boy, the old cat looks all hale and hearty. I paused to think about the central father figure in my life, a man who is my guardian, and I have always greatly admired. He is a kind, judicious, and loving father. My mission on earth is always to be even half the man he is. What commandments and lessons on manhood can I draw from him? Here are ten I can quickly think of. 1. Thou Must Lead by Example The old man always woke up at 6 a.m. While brushing his teeth, he moved around the compound waking up everyone. We had a running joke that mimicked his speech knocking on the door, around 6.30 a.m. “Wake up. By now even beggars are in the streets with their begging bowls…” This was supposed to shame us, able-bodied young men not to oversleep. The old boy is a hard worker. Whether on the farm, his business, or the church, he leads from the front. Never once have I seen him abdicate responsibility. He takes his fatherly duties with a certain divine devotion, and it is something I have tried to learn from him. He is almost infallible when it comes to setting standards. He has never preached water while sipping wine. When you lead by example, you make it easy for those under you, be it your wife or children, or those under you, say at work, to easily follow your lead. Want to raise a religious family? Be the first one to wake up, lead them in prayer, and create that environment where spirituality/religion can thrive. Want your children to work hard in school? Show them how it is done. Show them the rewards of hard work. Lead your life in such an exemplary way that those under you will never want to disappoint you. You do this by doing the right thing. Remember it is men who set up the disciplinary framework for the family. Don’t be weak, don’t adjust your principles. Be ruthless but fair and sensible. Leading a disciplined, exemplary life is like 90 per cent of the work done. 2. Thou Must Love If you are a parent here or hope to be one, teach yourself to love. Most of us were not loved enough as children and we have become cruel and the source of so much pain for others. As men, we hurt our wives. We hurt our children. We hurt our siblings. By our actions, inaction, and foolishness. One thing the old man has taught me is the commandment of love. Love is never necessarily reciprocated. Often, it is abused and taken for granted. But love your people. When you love right, you raise confident children. Children who can’t be bullied for they know there is a rock at home. When you love right, there is less resentment at home. Children who know their worth. Everything you do, even when you get it wrong, there is room for forgiveness or understanding. There were so many of us at his home, besides his nuclear family. The old man liked everyone under his roof and never once did he try to treat anyone with favour over the others. It is the kind of old traditional African values that are now gone. We have become so individualistic, and it is hurting us. But if you love everyone equally, it radiates itself back. I can’t think of a more rewarding virtue than love. I experience it every day, even from strangers. Try it at your family level and extend it to others. 3. Thou Must Work The old man likes to work. And likes everyone in his compound busy with work. Doesn’t matter what kind of work, as long as you are busy. Especially if you are a man. Nowadays, in the red pill, we talk about a man focusing on his mission. But it is the old boy who taught me the value of hard work (in school and out here). He taught me farm work, taught me business, and taught me how to hustle. While in Form 2, he would order me to go sell the ex-layers at the nearby Nyangusu market. Carrying 50 hens to the market on a wheelbarrow can be a pain in the arse of a teenager. Sucks. But that experience taught me a particularly useful lesson in life. Sometimes I could go to the market, and nobody would buy the chicken. And I would be beside myself with shame. And he would comfort me and tell me tomorrow would be a better day. And sure, tomorrow I would go back, and all the chicken would be bought. I have never forgotten the business lessons and the value of hard work, whether in school or at work. He taught me to always finish whatever I had started and that is why anytime I enroll on any course, finishing is not merely an option, it is the only choice. So, gentlemen, always work. Even when the work does not make sense, work, get the lesson. Focus on your mission. Make money. Don’t ever sit there, doing nothing. Keep yourself busy, even if it means volunteering. 4. Thou Must Be a Man. Always The old boy is a Man and a Half. At no point has he ever had to negotiate his manliness with anyone. He is the ultimate authority in his homestead. And he has achieved this by how meticulously he has planned his homestead. In his younger years he ruthlessly focused on his mission, planned his retirement early and organized his family like an Italian mafia don, without the crime bits, of course. One thing is true: “if as a man you remain focused on your goals, steadfast in your ambition, and lead by example, everything else will fall into place. You will have no time to negotiate anything. Anything you want, you will get. No time for silly arguments. No time for childishness with anyone. Everyone knows what you stand for. To be a man is to have values. To say what you mean and mean what you say. To treat everyone with respect and stand firm where you need to stand firm. 5. Thou Must Raise a Good Family Not sure how this will work for our generation since almost half of us are already divorced or are going to be divorced. We may be forced to try a second or even third marriage. But the biggest responsibility you can have as a man is to raise a good family. Make sure your children can stand by and defend you in old age. The working formula remains loving unconditionally, being firm, being disciplined, rewarding good behaviour, punishing bad behaviour proportionately, being present, and leading by example. And being a high-value man. And while at it, have some inheritance for the children. This doesn’t work sometimes, but better to err on the side of caution. If you are divorced and going through the drama, be the bigger and wiser person. Time is always kind to men who remain true to themselves. Kids will one day know the truth, certainly. 6. Thou Must Diversify in Life In his prime, the old man was a teacher. He doubled up with a hardware business and a posho mill. On the side, he did moderately decent farming, mostly for subsistence. The little farm provided sufficient food for the family. He did lease some other pieces of land for pyrethrum and maize farming and also grew napier grass for his dairy cows. With the various sources of income, it gave him the impetus to provide for his family. When it was time to pay for expensive college tuition for us, he was more than ready, because the businesses were flourishing. It is a skill every man must have. Never depend on one income stream. But be patient, be prudent and trust the process even as you lay the foundation for your family. Do your research. The motive to look for profit sometimes blinds us. Profit is all good, but sometimes the reason to diversify is to stay afloat or to have something to fall back on during bad and hard times when you lose your job. So, multiple streams of income. Always. 7. Thou Must be Resilient The old man has lived a very transparent life. This has allowed us to see him through moments of strength and moments of weakness. But the most admirable quality for me has been his resilience. I remember a time when his businesses were not doing very well. He put on a brave face. Because he knew, he had invested in the right place, and it was a matter of time before he bounced back. Through his strategies, bouncing back is never a big deal for him. Because he is a shrewd thinker. The last few years have not been the best for me, but I don’t know where I would be had I not picked that skill of resilience from him. You keep calm amidst all the storms, knowing God is in charge and the sun always rises. And you roll up your sleeves and start over again. 8. Thou Must Always Do Good It is the old man who taught me to always do good, do what is right and carry on. To date, I wake up and go about my day trying to do what is right. Because I want to sleep at night in peace. I have seen friends who try mischief and the pain they put themselves and their loved ones in, and it is not funny. 9. Though Must Live Within Your Means There is no commandment that the old boy drummed into me more than this: “Never forget where you come from and don’t ever mix with the wrong crowds and think you are one of them…”. Throughout high school and on campus, that was the only lesson he always reminded me, always. And it has saved my life. It is my generation of men who got it all wrong by opting for lifestyles they could never sustain due to peer pressure or their wives. I did make a few errors too, sadly. And the cost of the errors has been enormous. But because I knew where I came from, I knew when and where I crossed the line and retraced my steps. Young men must learn to live within their means and save for retirement. 10. Thou Must Plan Your Retirement The old man retired two or three years before his official age of retirement. But he had worked hard for it. He could get busy in his prime. But his retirement life has been one of sheer envy. He does horticultural farming for fun, and spends his days in church worshipping and being of great service to the community. It is a beautiful life if you can wake up to tend to your potatoes, come have lunch, sit to read your Bible or books, and then take a nap. The old boy literally dictates his life, and I can’t remember any single thing that can distract him from his schedule. Bonus Though Must Serve the Community. Beyond the large extended family that he has raised, the old man has invested in the community a lot. He has helped build two churches, with a decent number of flock. He has invested a lot in the education of many young people in his village. Any time he hears of an opportunity, he is quick to refer someone. And with his generous heart, he remains a good philanthropist, not just materially, but even in terms of his wise counsel. He helps people far and wide, and this love and generosity has been richly rewarded by a life of peace and honour. And several people in various corners of the world can raise their hands and say the old man played a great part in their lives. These are some of the things that made men of his generation great and admirable. We can learn something from him. Think of an old man that you admire. Could be your father, uncle, or father figure. What traits do you admire the most in them? Of course, we live under different times, circumstances, and context, but it is worth trying. You can get this and more of my memos in my books, 50 Memos To Men Vol.1&2 from @NuriaStore