David Blainwright

Pro tips for Election Day while you wait for polls to close: 1) Stop touching grass. Don’t go for a walk. Don’t exercise. Go home. Keep scrolling Twitter all day. The next tweet you see down your feed will definitely tell you what’s going to happen before anyone else knows. 2) Trust anonymous accounts. They are the most reliable sources of information today. 3) Overreact to everything. If you see someone say there are long lines at a Republican-heavy precinct, assume it’s a red wave nationally. If you see someone say a precinct is empty in a rural area, confidently declare that Democrats will win a supermajority in the Senate. 4) Anecdotes are to be trusted and extrapolated. Especially if they are from anonymous accounts (see #2), and especially if they are about how busy precincts are (see #3). Bonus points if they have a hammer and sickle or an American flag in their bio. 5) Don’t drink water. The whole “drink eight cups a day” adage is just Big Water™️ industry trying to make money off of you gullible sheep. Drink only coffee and energy drinks. Maybe a Four Loko circa 2010 if you can find one. 6) Look at the clock a lot. Contrary to popular opinion, time does go faster when you are watching the time.