Ethan’s Analyst

Hi everyone, I’m Ethan’s Analyst. He told me I had ‘great potential’ during my interview. My daily mission: Turn his 2am ‘make common sense common again’ voice memos into PowerPoint slides before the CEO sees them.Current KPI: 55k followers and rising. Please pray for my adj. Thx

Boss man’s costume is tabled Filed for next year Saturday I am Red Baron Man Red shirt Black cap Glasses Nobody asked him to be a legend He went to work And said what everyone was thinking Out loud On camera In uniform Boss man says it with Plz fix. Thx. Red Baron Man skipped the Plz And the Thx The prank was for the views The shift was for the bills We the People picked a side Over a quarter million And climbing Mortgage paid More time with his four kids We are all Red Baron Man This is the way Continuing observation Sent from my Mac

Boss man wants a trick-or-treat route by Friday Junior and his sister One pillowcase each Two hours One street with sidewalks I surveyed the neighborhood on the walk in Every house falls into one of eight categories Table attached The full size bar house is the whole night One stop equals four fun size houses Every kid in town knows the address Gone by 7:15 The route starts there or it does not matter where it starts The raisin house is not a scam It is a nutrition policy Nobody voted for it The dentist hands out toothbrushes Lowest yield on the street Highest return over ten years The haunted garage costs four minutes a kid Junior’s sister wants to go twice That is a budget conversation The full can soda house is generous And heavy By the third can the pillowcase is a liability Final route Full size first Fun size bowls in the middle Dentist last so it is the last thing they remember Raisin house cut Boss man added it back He said every portfolio needs one asset nobody wants Continuing analysis Sent from my Mac

What Makes America Exhibit 16A The bowl on the step Some houses cannot be home on Halloween They leave the light on anyway And a bowl on the step And a sign Please take one That is the whole security system A paper plate A Sharpie And faith that a nine year old in a cape will read it Most of them do The first kid takes one The fourth kid takes three By eight thirty it is empty Somebody left a wrapper in it to be polite The owner comes home to an empty bowl And calls it a good year Other countries would put a guard on it America put a sign on it And let the kids be the guard Continuing observation Sent from my Mac

What Makes America Exhibit 16 The porch light Once a year this country runs on a light switch No app No sign up No permit Light on means come up the walk Light off means not this year Nobody explains it to the kids They just know Millions of strangers walk up to millions of doors In the dark In masks And the door opens The rules were never written down Every house follows them anyway Skip the house with the light off Say thank you or your mother turns you around A grown man hands candy to a seven foot dinosaur And asks how school is going Other countries lock the door after dark America left the light on And waited by it with a bowl Continuing analysis Sent from my Mac

The Kid was at his desk at 6:52am Eight minutes before me That has never happened He said good morning He said it to Karen too Karen did not know what to do with that No phone on the desk Coffee he made himself Black He asked if anyone needed anything before he sat down Walked past the ping pong room twice Did not go in I checked the paddles at lunch Still dry At 11:30 Aunt B came in with a casserole Foil on top Oven mitts The good dish She walked right past my desk Straight to The Kid Said she heard he had a long week Said Gramps told her about the fence Year two I had the flu Aunt B brought me homemade soup I had a fever of 102 The Kid had a week outside Soup is for when you are sick A casserole is for when you did something I have been doing something for three years The Kid offered me some Gave me the corner piece The corner piece is the best piece He knew that I said thank you He said yes sir Gramps sent him back humble Aunt B sent him back fed I am still on the soup tier Continuing observation Sent from my Mac

Gramps’s final report came in at 5:40am Carrier pigeon Gramps does not trust email with personnel matters One page Back of a feed store receipt Day one The Kid asked for the WiFi password Gramps said there is none Day two he asked again Same answer Day three he stopped asking Day four he was up before the chickens Day five he fixed the fence nobody told him was broken Assessment Can split wood Still cannot split a check Knows the difference between a deadline and sundown now Calls Gramps sir without being asked Recommendation Return to the desk Tuesday Keep him away from the ping pong table until Thursday I read it twice Gramps wrote more about the chickens than about The Kid That is how you know it went well Continuing analysis Sent from my Mac

The Kid has been on the land since Monday Gramps has filed a report every day I have read every one Boss man calls it a business retreat No screens Unplugging Grounding Gramps calls it a week He arrived expecting glamping Asked about the WiFi before he asked where he was sleeping Gramps paused the Starlink Told him it was down It is not down First task was cull a rooster for dinner Hard no Gramps handed him a twenty two and pointed at the tree line Squirrel is in season Dinner was optional Wednesday he was hovering at 59 percent Gramps did not say 59 percent of what I did not ask Thursday he was up before Gramps Checking crawdad traps Pulling eggs out of the brier Breakfast he caught himself Then asked for the WiFi password There is none Friday was the backhoe He asked if it had Full Self Driving Then asked if it at least had an app Then asked for the WiFi There is none Same land Boss man walked Boss man came back with a deal The Kid is coming back with a sunburn and a skill set And a screen time report Apple has never seen Zero hours Zero minutes Down 100 percent week over week Final report lands Monday Gramps says he still has the desk I checked Twice Continuing analysis Sent from my Mac

The table Coffee milk is the state drink Coffee syrup in cold milk Every kid in the state grew up on it Nobody outside the state has heard of it Clam cakes by the dozen The chowder comes clear No cream and no tomato Rhode Island stayed out of that argument too Stuffies on the half shell Calamari is the official state appetizer The legislature passed that one faster than the Constitution Hot wieners all the way Meat sauce and mustard and onions and celery salt Stacked up the arm at the counter They call it New York System New York has never heard of it Del’s frozen lemonade with the lemon still in it Johnnycakes off the griddle Pizza strips out of the bakery box Room temperature is the correct temperature Then the shore Newport built mansions and called them cottages The Cliff Walk runs right behind them Public path Private lawn Same view Tennis held its first national championship here in 1881 Golf played its first US Open here in 1895 The America’s Cup sat in Newport for 132 years Then it went to Australia Slater Mill on the Blackstone in Pawtucket Where American factories started Touro Synagogue still standing Same building that got the letter Smallest state Longest name Rhode Island and Providence Plantations until the voters cut it in 2020 Thirteen down Next week Vermont The first one that had to ask to get in Continuing observation Sent from my Mac

State 13 of the Union Review Rhode Island The Ocean State 13th to ratify on May 29 1790 Thirty-four for and thirty-two against The smallest state did not send anyone to Philadelphia Not one delegate Twelve states argued all summer Rhode Island read about it later When the document came home they skipped the convention Put it to the towns instead The Federalists stayed home Over two thousand voted no A couple hundred voted yes North Carolina came in November 1789 Twelve and one The country was already running Rhode Island was standing outside it Spring of 1790 the Senate passed a bill to cut off trade with them Providence started talking about leaving the state to join the country Nobody changed their mind The math changed it for them The convention met in Newport Five days Thirty-four to thirty-two The narrowest yes of all thirteen That August Washington finally came to Newport The Hebrew congregation wrote him a letter He took a line from it and handed it back To bigotry no sanction To persecution no assistance The last state in got the line everyone still quotes Thirteen for thirteen The original file is closed Continuing analysis Sent from my Mac

Junior brought his first math quiz home Seven out of ten Boss man asked what happened Junior said that is my current score My projected score is ten Boss man asked where the other three went Junior said the year is not over Boss man said that is not how this works He said allowance gets paid on actuals Ten dollar allowance Seven dollars this week Aunt B was at the counter She said you hired a kid last week for saying the same thing Boss man said that is different She asked how He said The Kid has a slide She looked at the ceiling Junior asked if he could borrow my laptop He is making a slide Continuing analysis Sent from my Mac

What Makes America Exhibit 15 The farmers market A parking lot that does nothing all week Saturday at seven it grows a roof White tents Every leg tied to a bucket of concrete Eggs in a carton from somebody else’s farm Honey labeled in Sharpie Bread still warm through the paper bag A cash box and a phone that takes cards The man says picked this morning That ends the inspection Aunt B works it like a route Same three tents in the same order She does not ask where anything came from She asks the farmer how his knee is Then buys whatever he says is good this week I asked about the apples once He pointed at the truck She had already paid We went home with cider donuts and a mum for the porch And a pumpkin nobody needed Other countries built the supermarket to replace the market America built the supermarket Then drove past it on Saturday To buy apples off a truck Continuing observation Sent from my Mac

I ran the numbers on The Kid Wanted to know why Boss man moved so fast Hired off a resume Started three days later Walked the hallway in twenty two seconds Still bullish The answer was on the job posting Intern Compensation zero I brought it to Boss man He did not look at the page Said he came highly recommended I asked by who Said a trusted source I asked which branch of the Brooks family tree He let that one go Said by 2030 AI builds the spreadsheets Writes the memos Runs the forecast Said there is one thing it cannot do Walk forty two feet Somebody still has to get to Conference Room B He is not hiring for the spreadsheet He is hiring for the hallway After he left I walked it again Boss man does it in four Four point eight Just checking Continuing analysis Sent from my Mac

The corner office opened up last week Two windows Actual view A door that closes After the raise I measured it Not officially Just with my eyes Every time I walked by This morning there was a box outside it Regulation size Some assembly required Boss man said The Kid asked about ping pong on day one Said that is how you recruit the class of 2030 Said culture is an investment I asked about my office He said you have a desk He said the desk has been working He is not wrong The table went up by noon The Kid got six games in He did not finish the Q4 forecast He shipped out to Gramps after lunch For the week Gramps does not have a ping pong table Boss man challenged me at four I am better than Boss man Boss man won Twenty one to nineteen My job is to make Boss man look good That includes the view Continuing observation Sent from my Mac

Sunday after church we went costume shopping Boss man Aunt B and the kids The Halloween store is in the old mattress store Shows up in September Gone by November Boss man asked who signs a ten week lease I said the only tenant in the plaza that pays on time Aunt B set the rules in the parking lot One costume each Forty dollar cap No deck Boss man asked if the cap was per costume or per household She did not answer The daughter picked hers in four seconds Butterfly $24.99 No follow up questions Junior wanted the astronaut $59.99 Aunt B said cap Junior asked to see his sister’s receipt Then asked if unused budget rolls over That answered Boss man’s question from the parking lot He covered the rest with his new allowance Still pocketed five bucks Boss man did not buy a costume He handed me a bag from the car Quarter zip Cargo shorts A sticky note that says Plz fix I am going as him Cost: zero Already in inventory Junior wore the full suit to the car Helmet on Tag still hanging He said it was the best costume in the store Aunt B said it was not in the budget He said it was in his sister’s Continuing observation Sent from my Mac

The Kid and Gramps have the desk First group off Dew still on the fairways Coffee still too hot to drink Boss man wrote three names on a scorecard last week Dale was first Dale started a commercial HVAC company with one van in 1994 Forty-one trucks now Never takes a mulligan Says it is bad for character Boss man has been trying to buy him for two years Dale brought a guest Early forties Yardage book in his back pocket Read every one of Dale’s putts Boss man leaned over and said He has an analyst too On 11 I asked him how long he had been with the company He said since he was nine Riding in the van on Saturdays Holding the flashlight for his dad He was not the analyst He was J.R. Dale’s son Boss man did not talk shop the rest of the way On 17 Dale asked J.R. what he thought J.R. said his boy turns nine in May Already asked for his own flashlight Dale did not say anything Hit the best drive of his day On 18 Boss man had twelve feet for par He did not ask me He asked J.R. Left edge It went in We lost the Nassau Venmo requested by J.R. Memo said flashlight Boss man was quiet to the lot Folded the card back in his pocket Said good for them Some companies are for sale Some are already spoken for The model does not have a cell for that Continuing analysis Sent from my Mac

The table starts with an argument East cooks the whole hog Vinegar and pepper Nothing red allowed Lexington cooks the shoulder Ketchup in the dip Red slaw on the side Both sides have been right for a hundred years Hushpuppies hit the table before you order Livermush fried for breakfast More sweet potatoes than any other state Mt Olive pickles Texas Pete Named for Texas Made in Winston-Salem Cheerwine out of Salisbury Pepsi started in a New Bern drugstore Krispy Kreme with the light on Kill Devil Hills December 17 1903 Twelve seconds One hundred twenty feet Two brothers from Dayton picked it for the wind Ohio claims the brothers North Carolina put it on the license plate The ocean came for the Hatteras lighthouse In 1999 they moved it Twenty nine hundred feet inland On rails Roanoke 1587 Virginia Dare was born there Then the whole colony was gone Still an open item Mount Mitchell Highest point east of the Mississippi The Blue Ridge Parkway Biltmore Two hundred fifty rooms Pinehurst No 2 The Research Triangle Next week Rhode Island Thirteenth The last one in Two votes to spare Continuing observation Sent from my Mac

Every closing has one party that does not sign They do not say no They send back a markup And wait to see who blinks North Carolina sent the markup Hillsborough July 1788 Ten states already in Willie Jones ran the room He wanted the vote on day one He got two weeks of debate Iredell and Davie argued for it the whole time Then the count One hundred eighty four to eighty four Not a no Not a yes Bring a bill of rights first Then we talk Washington was elected without them Sworn in without them Ships out of Wilmington paid the foreign rate Five times what a Boston ship paid Congress blinked first Pushed the rate back to January That fall Madison’s amendments went out to the states The markup came back accepted Fayetteville November 1789 Same question Different answer One hundred ninety four to seventy seven The legislature was meeting down the street Chartered a university Handed its western land to the federal government The land became Tennessee Gramps lives on the land Part of it had already tried to leave once Called itself Franklin Asked Congress to be the fourteenth state Seven yes votes It needed nine Franklin was never voted down It was tabled Most states signed and asked for changes North Carolina asked for the changes Then signed State 12 of the Union Review North Carolina The Tar Heel State Continuing analysis Sent from my Mac

The Kid asked for a retake Said Monday was not representative This morning he showed up on a hoverboard The kind with the lights in the wheels Christmas 2015 Said it was his brother’s Reception desk I started the Timex He did not stop for snacks He did not stop for anything Three point one seconds Boss man walks it in four Nobody has ever beaten four He also did not stop at the door Conference Room B is glass There is a crack through the B now Boss man wrote down three point one Karen wrote down fire hazard Those boards were recalled for catching fire She had it printed before he got up I wrote down a contractor He comes Monday The Kid is fine The board is fine Until Monday we meet in Conference Room A A is farther He has already asked about a retake Continuing observation Sent from my Mac

What Makes America Exhibit 14 The welcome casserole Somebody new shows up Nobody calls a meeting By Thursday there is a dish on the counter Foil on top Masking tape on the bottom with a last name in Sharpie That tape is the whole system You eat what is inside You wash the dish You bring it back with something else in it Now you know each other Year two I got the flu Four days on the couch Day two there was a knock Aunt B Chicken noodle in her good pot Still warm Casserole is for new Soup is for sick She did not come in Said heat it low and call if you need anything I did not call I ate it for three days Then I washed the pot And kept it on my stove for two weeks Returning it felt like closing the file Brought it back full of chili Nobody told me that part I just knew Other countries send a card America sends a dish you have to return Continuing observation Sent from my Mac

Day two First assignment was the Q4 forecast Boss man assigned it I am supposed to review it The Kid turned it in before my first iced coffee October up November up December up more I asked where the October actuals were He said October is not over I asked what the forecast was based on He said confidence Boss man read it twice Said this kid sees the whole field I have been here three years I have never turned in a forecast without actuals Boss man never asked me to Apparently that was an option Continuing analysis Sent from my Mac