False Peter Griffin

If you're not raising your boys to respect women they will never become men.

I'm so Lucky!!! I'm always getting head from girls that "Normally don't do this"

You know you suck at spelling when spell check had no idea what the fuck your trying to spell

I hate pulling out, I rather just change my number.

I like that 1 Rap song where they talk about how much money they have.

Turn a man down for sex, he gets over it. Turn a woman down? Oh. My. God.

You never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air.

You're not going to want my number after we fuck. You're going to want my autograph.

You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don't carry around a shovel.

Wanna be 'happy' on twitter? Tweet only for yourself. If people like it, great. If not, who fucking cares.

Not liking me will always be your problem. Never mine.

I don't always put my iPod on shuffle, but when I do, I skip every single song.

She caught me blow drying my penis and asked what i was doing. Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the right answer.

That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced, people actually think you're stupid.

girls are like CDs: not all are good, some skip, but the ones worth listening to stay in your head. also theres a hole to put your finger in

Gods don't kill people, people with gods kill people.

Nothing brings two people together faster than the hatred of a third person.

Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.

Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the fuck up" be a virtue?

If you watch me masturbate backwards I stop crying about halfway through.