Gabriel Carter

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on… you’re a duck.” “I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck. “And you can talk!” exclaims the barman. “I see your ears are working too,” says the duck. “Now, if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and sandwich?” “Certainly. Sorry about that,” says the barman as he pours the pint. “It’s just that we don’t get many ducks in here. What are you doing around this way?” “I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.” The barman is amazed, but the duck pulls a newspaper out of his bag and starts reading, making it clear the conversation is over. He drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, says goodbye, and leaves. The same thing happens every day for the next two weeks. Then one day, the circus comes to town. The ringmaster stops into the bar for a drink, and the barman says, “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? I know a duck who’d be perfect for your show. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper… the lot!” “Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Tell him to give me a call.” So the next day, when the duck comes into the pub, the barman says, “Hey, Mr. Duck, I think I can line you up with a great job. Good money, too.” “I’m always interested in the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?” “At the circus,” replies the barman. “The circus?” asks the duck. “That’s right.” “The circus… with the big tent?” “Yep.” “With all the animals in cages and the performers living in caravans?” “Exactly.” “And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” “That’s the one,” says the barman. The duck looks at him in complete confusion and says… “What the hell would they need a plasterer for?”

A man walked into a dentist’s office late one evening. The dentist looked up and asked, “Can I help you?” The man said, “I think I’m a moth.” The dentist frowned. “You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.” “I know,” the man said. The dentist paused. “Then why did you come in here?” The man looked back toward the door. “The light was on.”