Heybridge Gardens FC

U18s need a keeper for 45 min on Saturday. The boundary restriction on Scott's electronic bracelet only covers him for one half of the pitch

We absolutely deny any allegations our groundsmen are involved in watering opposition pitches during the night to force game abandonment. The fact Andy was caught with a full watering-can at Stonefield FC last night just confirms this is made up nonsense since their pitch is 4G

Football is tough, and it can ask of you a lot of difficult questions. Questions like: How much do you want to win? Are you brave enough? Are you prepared to put your body on the line? And, why when we're 2-0 up did you decide to punch the ref?

Apologies for the state of our pitch today. Groundsman Andy is refusing to work until the lads who harassed him at work by following him around humming the Groundforce theme apologise to him in person.

Latest fines have come in from the FA. Really feels like we are unfairly punished for everything we do. Always trying to keep a good club down.

Following Luton Town’s footsteps we are urging our supporters to please stop the singing of the following popular politically-charged songs at games.

No word of a lie, I've just seen Maradona do a line through a vuvuzela

Don't know where Carl is right now. Said he was going to play roulette with some Russians last night but he hasn't shown up today.

Sad to say we haven't been in Russia long and already we've witnessed a sickening amount of racism and homophobia. But when our lads can get hold of vodka this cheaply it's to be expected really....

When we go 4-0 down I expect my players to work twice as hard to get back in the game. Chris Skidmore has taken his top off and started sunbathing. Get up! Get up you fat fuck!

The club would like to reverse its recommendation to join Heybridge Pedophile Hunters Club. Though their operatives are well-intentioned posing as 13yo girls online, last night's illegitimate park beatdown was one too many. We wish Jake well & good luck on his upcoming 11+ exams

I can never fault Jono's passion or desire. That being said it probably was their throw-in so putting their linesman in the 'Walls of Jericho' was out of order in a way.

A gentle reminder to players and coaching staff that they are ambassadors to the club at all times and as such should not wear Heybridge branded clothing to any political events, or disreputable public gatherings. (Although the club has no 'official' policy on dogging).

Heybridge FC fully accept that today's encroachment onto the field of play by coach Jon Dixon and his subsequent slide tackle to prevent an opposition counter attack has no place in today's game. It was illegal, unsporting and we apologise for ever having described it as heroic.

Club statement following today’s incident.

Early yellow card for Heybridge Captain Jono after trying to steal the referees quid during the coin toss.

Tony's been bossing midfield. Tackling everybody! Even our own team! Dunno what kind of prematch ritual a 'bump' is, but it's worked wonders

I mean I love Tony our goalkeeper I really do and you can really tell he's trying his best out there but he's so fucking shit sometimes!!!

Good number of Heybridge players 'taking a knee' before tonight's game. Not for any political reason, just the warm up involved a short jog.

Crazy that Uber decision isn't it? Just yesterday I was watching a documentary about the hidden charges and exploitation seen in Black Cabs