Ian Bardenstein (@IBardenstein) header
Ian Bardenstein (@IBardenstein) profile picture

Ian Bardenstein

@IBardenstein

Writing in @NewYorker, @slate, @mcsweeneys, @SlackjawHumor, @PointsinCase, and on the Semantic Chicken Substack

ianbardenstein.substack.com/
Joined March 2018
  • Tweets53
  • Following135
  • Followers76
1Media
Photo by Ian Bardenstein (@IBardenstein)
In my latest essay for Slate, a sleep tracking ring gaslights me
Slate (@Slate) profile pictureSlate
@Slate6 Sep 2023
The only thing worse than sleeping terribly is sleeping terribly and being assured that you actually slept quite well. slate.trib.al/mwp4PM9

I Thought I’d Found a Way to Hack My Sleep. Then, It Hacked Me.

In my quest for sweet dreams, I created a special sort of nightmare.

slate.com
1
2
144
If you have experienced how hard it is to find the actual recipe on a recipe blog, my most recent New Yorker piece is for you
The New Yorker Humor (@newyorkerhumor) profile pictureThe New Yorker Humor
@newyorkerhumor26 Nov 2023
A guide to saving someone from choking, written by an expert blogger. nyer.cm/9pNpoxq
A Guide to Saving Someone from Choking, Written by an Expert Blogger

A Guide to Saving Someone from Choking, Written by an Expert Blogger

Choking can be fatal for anyone, including the person choking beside you right now. But is saving someone from choking right for you?

newyorker.com
76
Forget fishing - I bonded with my father-in-law at the Proud Boys trial. And then I wrote about it for Slate. slate.com/comments/human-int…
2
71
My latest essay in @Slate is for anyone who, like me, has googled things like "why is my baby fussy" or "how to soothe fussy baby." Thanks @rebeccaonion for the opportunity and the edits!
Slate (@Slate) profile pictureSlate
@Slate10 Apr 2023
“Fussy” is an odd way to describe babies. Because they’re, well, babies. slate.trib.al/2rTpAPO
Every Word We Have to Describe a Crying Newborn Is Wrong

Every Word We Have to Describe a Crying Newborn Is Wrong

When his infant enters “goat mode,” one father struggles with language.

slate.com
1
1
158
"Prime your child for a career in data analytics with number blocks, measuring cups, and graphs depicting their impact on your sleep quality and relationship satisfaction." My new humor piece (with @EugeniaViti) for new parents is live in The New Yorker.
The New Yorker Humor (@newyorkerhumor) profile pictureThe New Yorker Humor
@newyorkerhumor3 Apr 2023
Try decorating your nursery with smiling jellyfish, dolphins, and turtles, so you’ll be the only one in the room who’s concerned about drowning. nyer.cm/poHWrwY

Nursery Themes That Reflect the Reality of New Parenthood

Introduce your child to the wide array of vehicles that you might buy to broadcast your loss of identity to the outside world.

newyorker.com
2
10
620
Semantic Chicken: White, male...snacker? ianbardenstein.substack.com/…
70
If you wear camo in a non-forest setting, should it really be called camo?
1
87
Censored versions of songs would be much better if they replaced each explicit word with the name of a vegetable
2
69
Everything I know about breathwork I learned from Darth Vader
1
89
My latest for @Slate is live! Thanks to @IsabelleKohn_ for the opportunity and the wise edits
Slate (@Slate) profile pictureSlate
@Slate5 Mar 2023
There's nothing that 24 hours alone in the woods can't cure, right? ... Right?! slate.trib.al/MLWjbhP
I Went on an Aaron Rodgers–Style Retreat in the Wilderness. It Didn’t Go as Planned.

I Went on an Aaron Rodgers–Style Retreat in the Wilderness. It Didn’t Go as Planned.

There's nothing that 24 hours alone in the woods can't cure, right? ... Right?!

slate.com
2
170
Were the Impressionists artistic visionaries? Their paintings suggest they were just nearsighted
69
Pigeons could really improve their public perception by rebranding as "urban doves"
4
89
Saw an article on a Philly news site called "39 cheesesteaks to eat before you die." Pretty sure that many cheesesteaks over any time period is a lethal dose - why not call it "39 cheesesteaks to eat, then die from"?
1
95
When two starfish embrace, is it considered a hug or a high five?
1
3
301
It's not that I love skinny jeans - I just want jeans that look regular on my skinny legs
1
2
150
Excited to share my first essay in @Slate about the unusual way my partner and I determined our baby's last name. Many thanks to @rebeccaonion for the opportunity and her keen editorial guidance!
Slate (@Slate) profile pictureSlate
@Slate15 Jan 2023
We decided hybrid last names were like dogs—we’d rather admire other people’s than have one ourselves. slate.trib.al/TfrG55X
We Couldn’t Decide on Our Baby’s Last Name. Then I Had a Crazy Idea.

We Couldn’t Decide on Our Baby’s Last Name. Then I Had a Crazy Idea.

I was shocked to realize how much I cared.

slate.com
2
1
1
8
916
God and the internet have quite a bit in common in my latest piece for @SlackjawHumor: medium.com/slackjaw/quiz-god…
2
3
319
I got a piece of junk mail addressed to “Current Resident or Current Resident.” I guess it was for me after all
2
“Good blood, fast service.” I am the restaurant being reviewed in my latest for @PointsinCase. Do I have what it takes to earn five stars? pointsincase.com/articles/mo…
Mosquitoes Review Me

Mosquitoes Review Me

Great ambiance—enough body hair to afford some privacy but not so much that it gets in the way of your meal.

pointsincase.com
1
1
1
6
For those who are as haunted as I am by the similarities between babies and burritos, read my latest in @SlackjawHumor
Slackjaw 🚀 (@SlackjawHumor) profile pictureSlackjaw 🚀@SlackjawHumor18 Dec 2021
Antithetical to a good night of sleep. (by @IBardenstein) medium.com/slackjaw/baby-or-…
Baby, or Carne Asada Super Burrito?

Baby, or Carne Asada Super Burrito?

Soft and warm, with a surprising heft to it.

medium.com
6
2
6
Load more