Jeff H

Ways to improve sports: 1. Hockey - put gunpowder on the ice so that a slapshot "explodes" 2. Baseball - DH must be clinically obese. 3. Football - weed is mandatory. 4. Basketball - this has been done already, but trampolines.

Anyone who is voting tomorrow should vote for me as a write in for Register of Wills. If elected, I will register the fuck out of any will that comes across my desk and that is a campaign promise. #vote

Memorial Fund For Adam Schloer gofund.me/c1512a73

Anyone got a drug sniffing dog I can borrow for like an hour? If it's well trained I'll only need it for 10 mins tops. I have a small apartment.

Friendship ended with @landryshamet . @Bball_paul my new best friend. #76ers #NBATwitter

I wonder when they'll find this missing person in a purple Toyota. Been seeing these signs for weeks.

The wontons in wonton soup should be significantly smaller than they are.

How to fold fitted sheets: Step 1: try your best to fold in half. It won't be perfect. Step 2: just roll it up in a bunch

Loaves of bread are too big. How am I gonna eat 13 sandwiches before it goes bad?

That green and red looks so nostalgic on @TigerWoods . #Masters . Amazing day. New era for Tiger.

🎵 I'm gonna take my hoes to the hotel room 🎵 I'm gonna riiiide til I cant no more 🎵 Idk who lilNasX is but I like his song

🎶 JEFF 🎶 PA-CITO 🎶

"Order for pickup please?" "Jeff - Yea its J as in Jeff, E as in eff, F as in F, and then another F... Yea - like the letter."

#PhilaUnite #HereTheyCome @NBCSPhilly @TyJohnsonNews @NatalieEgenolf @sixers watching the game at home. Don't like wearing the mask.. . But I stand with @JoelEmbiid

You know you're old when you kill it in Jeopardy and look forward to Wheel of Fortune to continue your streak and impress all your imaginary friends.

imgur.com/a/aAbYa @SamsungUS @SamsungMobile @SamsungMobileUS