LG Jaffe

According to some antisemites, Jews are responsible for the fall of P. Diddy -- we set him up, of course! As always, we are behind every single calamity throughout history and everybody else's sins. As a Jew, I see that the jig is up, and I want to get ahead of the news before it breaks. I want antisemites to hear it here first. So, here are some more of our Jewish secrets... (this one's for you, Candace)! •While we control all the banks, our ultimate goal is to get everybody on squished penny currency -- you know, the kind you get at rest stops and theme parks •We also control the Global Seltzer Trade, and save the bubbliest seltzer only for the Jews •Israel exists only because it's our headquarters for harboring and sheltering all the movies in the Disney Vault •Before doing our ritual kosher slaughter, we give every single chicken and cow a luxurious bubble bath •Our Talmud tells us that we can only wear Knicks yarmulkes during basketball season; if you wear them outside of this season, it's 40 lashes for you! •We were the ones who pushed for French Toast Crunch to be discontinued •We refuse to eat pork because we use the pigs to spy on people and give us farm intel What am I missing, guys? What other Jewish secrets would we definitely not want antisemites to know about us?