I rarely tweet these days unless something remarkable has occurred but I just saw a Tesla driver use a turn signal to change lanes

Can’t believe the band ‘Pilot’ hasn’t been sued for its 1975 ripoff of the #Ozempic jingle.

Thanks for the kind birthday thoughts. If you must send me a 🎁 , find a squirrel or animal of your choosing to settle near and start a rap cypher with them. Don’t send videos of it, keep it personal and weird. 🎤 🐿️ 🦜

#debate2024 @taylorswift13 #CatLadies #TaylorForKamala

How easter egg-driven should I be going into this?

Quick poll! Day off, going to a movie theater very soon. Do I see Deadpool meets Wolverine or Aliens meets Romulus? Honest choices please, no spoilers.

If an upcoming #SNL hosts backs out last second, I’m just saying my impression of the weird Scandinavian hit man from Fargo season 5 is pretty solid

Australian B-girl #raygun, thank you for being you, big love from Los Angeles. @rachlgunn @raygun_aus

I’m sad the Olympic Games are over. Even more sad that it ended with my hometown reminding the world the Red Hot Chili Peppers are from Los Angeles. We aren’t proud of this.

Huge missed marketing opportunity if he doesn’t change his gear sponsor from @adidas to @LeCoqSportif

I’ve been in Budapest one hour and I already speak and understand zero Hungarian words! 🇭🇺

… you’re an aktuell fahrt.

Do you have tinnitus? Does yours come in the form of songs you’ve never heard? Just had a Reggae tune with harmonies & horns called “Don’t Look Back.” Earlier I had a Country jam called “Damn I’m Goin’ Down”. For real Of course my brain would torture me by making up songs 🤦🏻‍♂️

Hotel room TVs, in my battle-weary travel history, work 12% of the time. Mine doesn’t today. Good news is I don’t have to spend a minute watching the debate.

I’m creating a coffee table book on do’s and dont’s for rich, poorly qualified first time parents who seat themselves and their justifiably mannerless brood near me. Please give me title ideas.

Hot take: Sweet potato fries 👎🏽

If your airport luggage has fewer than 500 stickers of obscure places you’ve visited in the Midwest than I do you’re clearly a maniac

Call me a prescriptivist fuddy-duddy, but if I hear you say ‘reticent’ when you only meant ‘reluctant’ I will go Robert Downey Jr. from Weird Science on you and pour a Slurpee on your head.

I am but a weary traveler. There is a specific, special, cozy sadness in an 8am terminal B Chicago O’Hare Airport Chili’s 🌶️ breakfast. I always take the long walk here from terminal C because the servers here are gallant heroes.