LaytesAgain

A candy necklace but you’re 49 and it’s Tums.

It has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion but August is the shittiest month.

For emphasis, my wife loves to karate chop our couch pillows while telling me a story.

Subtitles are the best when YOUR SPOUSE IS LOUDLY SNACKING CAN WE TURN THE SUBTITLES UP?!?!? What do you mean ? I MEAN THEY ARENT LOUD ENOUGH!! ISNT THAT CRAZY? THAT I WANT THE SUBTITLES TURNED UP HAHA CRAZY!

The way life is going, I don’t mind losing an hour. Hell, go ahead and take a couple years while you’re at it.

There is nothing like a gin buzz

My last 437 lol’s have been complete bullshit.

Twitter: Y’all didn’t tell me this Harris Teeter grocery store bar was LIT!! The Bar:

I can’t get an erection unless the Dow closes above 50,000.

“For real though bruh like what happened to the milk man?” — My 18 year old daughter, whom I love

Jesus gathered his disciples and said “Make apps for me, and market them most heavily during lent”.

I’ve been thinking about the definition of insanity for years.

If this is the last social media app you check and not the first, please unfollow thank you.

If my toenails get any longer I’m gonna try out for America’s Got Talons.

I already know I can’t sleep later

My college kid’s love language is “Can you text me the Amazon code?”

*Bats eyes* “No, YOU’RE insufferable!”

Am I too old to be a theater kid

There’s nothing like an iPhone update to make you instantly feel 10 years older.