Maria Heinegg (@MariaHeinegg) header
Maria Heinegg (@MariaHeinegg) profile picture

HBO. Angel. Comedian. Queer. Bipolar. Yelling.

Brooklyn
Joined January 2011
Photo by Maria Heinegg (@MariaHeinegg)Photo by Maria Heinegg (@MariaHeinegg)Photo by Maria Heinegg (@MariaHeinegg)Photo by Maria Heinegg (@MariaHeinegg)Photo by Maria Heinegg (@MariaHeinegg)Photo by Maria Heinegg (@MariaHeinegg)Photo by Maria Heinegg (@MariaHeinegg)Photo by Maria Heinegg (@MariaHeinegg)Photo by Maria Heinegg (@MariaHeinegg)Photo by Maria Heinegg (@MariaHeinegg)
"Finally, we're alone," I whispered to my phone in the bathroom at this party.
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dont let her fool you. all her stories about garbage people are fake. setting folks off just for clicks- all grift. every text to her starts with “hey girl” in the exact same character voice. baby girl needs to take a ✍️ class. 🤡🤡🤡 @_sorrengailll nitter.cf/_sorrengailll?s=11&t=m…
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hello @gursel0022 (fellow legend)- excited to be a starter team- plz advise on how we will be getting these excess bags #gürselgäng
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every straight dude on hinge who lists their politics as “not political” or “other” won’t remember your birthday and secretly wants a cybertruck.
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i’ve never felt more supported by a man than the first convo after we match on an app. he’s full of “yes, queen” energy when you’re a sex prospect.
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"Why are you bothering the cat?" "Just let her bother the cat." what christmas is like with my family
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how are the holidays treating me? i just took my bra off in this subway station.
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social media, if you really want to break me, put the unfollows in my notifications.
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being in comedy is so fun. you’ll be thinking about how you want to kill yourself but then realize what time it is and be like “hold that thought. i need to go post a reel!”
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i used to eat pizza crust until i realized it’s just the part of the pizza without cheese so now i don’t respect it
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there's a car alarm that's been going off in my neighborhood for 90 minutes. happy mother's day.
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living in nyc changes your perspective. a guy told me he got a DUI and I was like, "oh, man. you have a car?!?"
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no one listens to me and, honestly, could not respect any decision more.
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just overheard a 25 year old call another 25 year old “the love of my life” lololololol
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“i like it. i have no idea what they’re saying.” - my mom’s review of reggae
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i love when someone says “that’s a made up holiday”. um, yeah. it is. they all are.
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"happy friday" is the darkest cry for help.
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Like I always say: if you don't have anything nice to say, say it to me. I love gossip.
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the way that your plants ‘unfollow you’ is they just die.
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when i’m feeling bloated, i’m just gonna start holding my stomach like a pregnant lady in pics and let people deal with trying to gauge if i’m pregnant or not
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