Joe Mazzello

I’m voting for whoever outlaws these 12ft skeletons on everybody’s front lawns.

I’ve decided to do Sober October paired with Fat Fall. So no alcohol but I’m finding and eating the best desserts NYC has to offer. Should be net zero.

Has there ever been an in tune rendition of Happy Birthday sung at a restaurant? Ever?

People have heard of the Irish Goodbye and the French Exit, but I am hereby dubbing it The French Dip.

That's baseball, Suzyn.

The best actor of the year was Ethan Hawke.

A very underrated film, and in fact my personal favorite Rob Reiner offering, is The Story Of Us. A beautiful, uplifting dramedy about the difficulties of marriage and relationships that sort of serves as an unofficial sister piece/sequel to When Harry Met Sally. Go watch it. 💔

I always find it funny when strangers ask you to watch their stuff. What if I’m the thief!?

I have two guns. One for each of ya. ❤️

When you burp and fart at the same time it’s called a screen shot. You’re welcome.

If I were a writer on SNL, which honestly would be a dream job, I would do a skit about how bartenders shake drinks. The gyrating with some of these guys is hilarious.

Merry Christmas.

Playing exclusively hard rock from the 90’s this Christmas. It’s been that kind of year.

That already infamous inning by the Yankees needs a name. I’m currently calling it “The Butt Fumble of Baseball.”

So every single time I go to a piano bar or see any live band that takes requests I always, without exception, request the same song, a song that is not obscure, a song that was a huge hit and is still played on the radio. That song is ‘The Waiting’ by Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers, and every single time the singer looks at me like I have three heads and says, again without explanation, “I know ‘Free Falling’?” And I want to blow my brains out. And this just happened to me tonight on the lower east side of Manhattan, I won’t name the place, but I just have to ask… does anyone out there know this song and are any of you performers at bars around the US? I will drop everything and come and see you anywhere in the lower 48 if you will please play for me ‘The Waiting’ by the great Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers. Thank you in advance. - Joe

“Sitting in stunned silence, we remembered our dead. So many dead, So many maimed. So many bright futures consigned to the ashes of the past. So many dreams lost in the madness that had engulfed us. Except for a few widely scattered shouts of joy, the survivors of the abyss sat hollow-eyed and silent, trying to comprehend a world without war.” - Eugene B. Sledge

I can’t believe what the selection committee just did to Florida State. It’s like they looked at the phrase ‘Insult to Injury’ and thought it was a good idea. #Seminoles #FloridaState

I just got stung by a bee! Don't they hibernate for the winter?!?

Zverev and Sinner literally look like Beavis and Butt-head playing tennis against each other #usopen

Sad the actor's strike had to happen, but it did. The one silver lining is I've really been enjoying making strike jokes. "No I can't answer the phone, I'm on strike." "No I can't put the dishes away, I'm on strike."