Telling an eighty-year-old woman to "check the portal" for serious biopsy results is cruelty disguised as digital efficiency. My 82-year-old aunt had a lung biopsy done two weeks ago. The doctor told her they’d have the pathology report ready within five business days. Friday afternoon rolled around. No call. She dialed the clinic’s main desk, her voice shaking with anxiety. The receptionist cut her off before she could finish explaining: “Doctor doesn’t give results over the phone anymore. All lab findings are automatically released to your MyChart patient portal.” My aunt said, “Sweetheart, I don’t have a computer. I have a landline on my kitchen wall. Can the doctor just tell me if I have cancer?” The receptionist sighed into the receiver: “It’s hospital network policy. We can’t bypass the portal. You’ll have to have a family member create an account and view the file.” My aunt spent an entire seventy-two-hour weekend sitting in her recliner, gripping her reading glasses, convinced she was dying. I drove out to her house on Monday morning, set up a profile on my laptop, and pulled up the records. The result was benign. The pathology report had been uploaded four days earlier. A doctor spent three minutes clicking an upload button, and an elderly woman endured four days of sheer psychological terror because the hospital decided a phone call was too expensive. Since when did delivering medical news become a self-service task?