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SaltyMouse

@MouseSalty
 Snakes cage
Joined September 2018
  • Tweets683
  • Following57
  • Followers1.2K
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Photo by SaltyMouse (@MouseSalty)Photo by SaltyMouse (@MouseSalty)Photo by SaltyMouse (@MouseSalty)Photo by SaltyMouse (@MouseSalty)Photo by SaltyMouse (@MouseSalty)Photo by SaltyMouse (@MouseSalty)Photo by SaltyMouse (@MouseSalty)Photo by SaltyMouse (@MouseSalty)Photo by SaltyMouse (@MouseSalty)Photo by SaltyMouse (@MouseSalty)
me: what are you doing lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets] lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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I JUST PAYED $75 TO WAIT IN A TWO HOUR LINE @Blizzard_Ent I HOPE YOURE EXTENDING THE BETA FOR AN EXTRA DAY
Image from paperwash© (@PaperWash)
Diablo (@Diablo) profile pictureDiablo
@Diablo17 Mar 2023
The time has come. #DiabloIV Open Beta Early Access starts NOW. Pre-purchase to play today: diablo4.com
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me: I wish to be able to drink responsibly genie: you mean like buying higher quality IPA LOL me: [folding arms] GENIE! LOL [8 beers later] genie: but seris...[burp]... seriously let's go dig up that dead [hiccup] body you were talking about
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writer: it's about two adventurers discovering lost treasure Disney executive: are there two young people kissing? writer: I don't see how- 2nd Disney executive walks in: did someone say "two young people kissing"?
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executive: we want you to play a portly, anxiety ridden space professor Leonardo DiCaprio: can I do it sexy? executive: no you can't do it s- execute 2: [covers executive's mouth] yes absolutely
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for Christmas I'm getting everyone in my family extended car warranties
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The best part about the winter is that you can you leave your baby in the car when you go shopping and it won't over heat
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THE ALIENS WON'T MAKE CONTACT UNTIL THE PANDEMIC IS OVER PLEASE GET VACCINATED!
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Ikea said "let's sell meatballs and bookshelves" and it worked
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A holiday classic!
Image from Adrenalin (@adrenalindenver)
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if you throw olives at the people on stage and say "SORRY THIS IS MEANT TO BE PEACEFUL" they can't kick you out
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The rich are selling us their mockery lol lmao
Image from SaltyMouse (@MouseSalty)
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they should have dragged the Grinch into town and publicly hung him then left his body there all week as an example to anyone else who had any bright ideas about ruining Christmas
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Job: [praying] please Lord, please protect my family and land and my health [the next day] God: [texting the next day at 2:37pm] sorry lol I just woke up 🥺
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if your lawyer takes bathroom selfies, you're going to jail
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*any "Best Of" list on the internet* *1st comment* I can't believe [insert esoteric title from any genre] didn't make this list!
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cop: [slams fist] roll over! dog: [flicks cigarette] alright fine, Big Tony has a shipment coming in tonight cop: [squints eye] good boy
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me: hey bud, you gunna finish your veggies 6 year old: no me: lol well you need to choose between that and not watching TV 6 year old: I choose VIOLENCE
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Taylor Swift: 🎵 Santa baby, hurry down chimney tonight, Santa baby-🎵 me: ok groomer
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*a zombie is running towards me but then I notice it has huge boobs* me: [nudging friend] omg I think this one likes me
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