Pakicetus

millennials were just mealworms thrown into the koi pond of feeding therapists

schizophrenics often feel misunderstood at parties so i always reassure them “they’re going to get you”

in france, restaurants have the same customer service as the nhs does in the uk

i don’t use a base for my number system i just keep making new symbols for the numbers

whenever i fall out with a women i rub a BPA receipt all over my body to maximise empathic estrogens

what opinion got you like

“getting my ducks in a row” why would you make them argue? there’s no reason for them to have a row

university is popular because it’s the only way to live in a community of your own social class before you have money

how old were you when you realised Flava Flav named himself after the Flavian dynasty?

if jesus was a vegetable he’d be cruciferous

sprinkling crushed SSRI's on the spider web in my downstairs loo because his fly yield is down and he's doing negative self talk again

birds must be tempted in moments of madness to just splat themselves

lettuce wife: uhh, kiddo i think it’s time to pack up the beach things, that tortoise is getting close now lettuce husband: ah c’mon we’ve got time!

the British should have called singapore croonapore or even warbleapore

in the land of the blind, the one eyed man would be usurped in a convulsion of memetic envy and replaced by unstable blind caretaker governments

the wordcel’s shibboleth is the word “shibboleth”

“accio tampons!” 🪄✨

this guy-type doesn’t exist anymore