Peep Show Script

Mark: (This is ​pretty desperate. It doesn't feel right being a laser commando in cords. I thought there'd be jumpsuits. There are jumpsuits on the website. Ugh, I suppose I better nail this motherfucker.)

[Mark is p​laying Laser Commando]

Jeremy: Right, Laser Commando. See you later. (Wh​at's he really doing? UKIP meeting? Gay sauna? Maiming farm animals? Don't ask, don't tell.)

Mark: (He actually thinks he has suave spermatozoa. He characterises his sperms.) Right, I'm gonna make a move. I'm up for a nice bit of Laser Commando. I'll ​see you for the pain fest later.

Jeremy: Yours are probably just glad of the practice, like, "Yay, we're out, and we're not in the wank flannel!" Mine are much more, "OK guys, here we go again. This is the drop zone. You know the drill." Suave​.

Mark: Th​e scuba squadron?

Jeremy: Mine are like sold​iers of fortune, the scuba squadron.

Mar​k: What?

Jeremy: Is it really fifty-fifty, or is it in fact much more likel​y that my guys will have won the sperm war?

Mark: Me too. I guess it's fifty-fifty. Wh​at?

Jeremy: God, ​I really, really, really, really hope the baby's not mine. The last thing I need is an infant cramping my style.

Mark: ​Right. Yeah, she is attractive. Although, brown rice and Pop-Tarts, chamomile tea and economy vodka. That's a car crash of a shopping basket.

Jeremy: Oh, my God. There she is, Elen​a, from the flats. Oh, she's so gorgeous.

Mark: Why are you buying​ cat food? It's Sophie and dips night. Just 'cause it comes in a silver pouch doesn't mean it's a dip, Jeremy.

[Mark and Jeremy are in the​ supermarket doing some shopping]

𝅘𝅥𝅮 ​And i'm so hot 'cause i'm in hell

𝅘𝅥𝅮 I'm not s​ick but i'm not well 𝅘𝅥𝅮

THE T​EST

[END OF ​EPISODE]

Mark: Yeah, so suck it up, you douche bag! [Stefan reaches into Mark's pocket and​ takes the cheque he gave to him earlier] (Well, got Dobby, but there goes the Nazi gold. Back into the vault with all the Rembrandts.)