the old man sitting in the corner booth reading a newspaper which, when you pass, causes your child to hug you a little closer
Lincoln, NE
Joined September 2014
- Tweets32.8K
- Following510
- Followers5.2K
- Likes52.6K
Pinned Tweet
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Uncle Jeff 🌈 retweeted
At an orgy
Me, trying to throw my voice: yeah, that's a great idea someone should order a pizza
Uncle Jeff 🌈 retweeted
*the barista stops me as i walk through the door*
sir, there's a two scarf minimum at this coffee shop
Uncle Jeff 🌈 retweeted
"Only fans dead squirrel" "Bin Laden shooter concubine" "Iowa"
You bolt awake in the mountains of Carthage. You are not online. It is 217 BC. You are the general Hannibal, and you have changed your mind. The future cannot come to pass. Rome must burn.
Fun first date idea: put on noise cancelling headphones, plug into each other's music, and desperately search for escape routes
Uncle Jeff 🌈 retweeted
2017 qanon guys: obama. 5 letters. 5 sides to the Pentagon. a shape children learn. children. theyre trafficking children for occult sacrifice. its in plain sight. theyre laughing at us
trump to literally any magazine in the 90s: boy i sure love my horny best friend jeff epstein
There is no food that can't be wrapped in a large tortilla and called a burrito that wouldn't be delicious. Shrimp lo mein burrito? Exquisite. Mashed potato and gravy burrito? Divine. Chocolate cake burrito? Yes, please.
If a young toddler pops their head out from behind something trying to get you to say "peek-a-boo," DO NOT ENGAGE THEM. That shit goes on forever
