The Real Rodney Lacroix

Me: [watching football] Wife: [silently reading at the end of the couch for three quarters of the game] Announcer: That was a huge sack! Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

It’s that time of year again.

Why I can’t dress as a Minion for Halloween.

[6 AM] Child: If Halloween is All Hallow’s Eve does that make the day after just All Hallow’s and the day before All Hallow’s Eve Eve? Me [rubbing temples]: It’s too early for this.

A haunted house, but in every room it’s someone reminding you that you’re not on vacation.

I’m not sure I appreciate what my targeted ads are inferring.

Coincidentally, that’s what I just paid for a tank of heating oil.

Me: [writing "Unsubscribe" on all the campaign mailers in my mailbox]

I’m gonna be sad when the elections are over because these mailers are giving me tons of kindling for the fireplace.

I live in the town where the Brown University shooter was caught, and last night we had a shelter in place order because a violent fugitive was in the area. Come to New Hampshire. See our foliage and beautiful mountains. But always be ready to run for your lives because wtaf.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! - Al Michaels during the final seconds of the Miracle on Ice at the 1980 Winter Olympics - also my wife, realizing I haven’t opened any bags of Halloween candy yet

There is a 100% chance that one of these bags of Halloween candy isn’t gonna make it to Halloween.

Police: We have a shelter in place order in effect. Please stay in your homes. Me [who doesn’t plan on leaving the house unless it’s on fire]: Okay.

Me: I emailed you an updated vacation quote. Client: I don't see it. Me: Check your spam. Client: Found it! Me: That's me. Always ending up in someone's junk. Client: Me: Client: Me: OMG.