Sam

"Wow! Cool! Go show your mommy!" (What I say to any child talking to me for more than 5 seconds)

Show her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

Shoutout to people having sex right now! If I missed anyone, just go ahead and fuck yourselves. 😝

I think my 81 year old dad was watching porn when I got to his house. I saw him struggling trying to change the channel. Trust me, I know that feeling way to well. 😝🍆💦

Have you noticed how excited people seem as they walk into the casino. Then look at the people walking out of the casino. Definitely not the same. LOL

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary

Every time someone sends me to the grocery store, I spend 2 - 3 hours looking for 4 things.

The guy in front of me is doing 25 mph running his windshield wipers on a sunny day and I want some of whatever drugs he's on.

Any other degenerates up at this time instead of sleeping? I see you!! 😳 #Miami #TwitterAfterDark

Nothing good happens at 4:00am in the morning.

Let’s Go @MiamiHEAT

How drunk do you have to be before you start ending all your tweets with "I love you guys"? Asking for a friend. I love you guys. #MemorialDayWeekend

Off to Wynwood to see what trouble I can get into tonight.

I asked my housekeeper what she wanted for Cinco de Mayo, and she said her freedom. Ha! Great one, Guadalupe! #HappyCincoDeMayo

This Valentines day, show her you care. Aim for her face, not for the hair. #HappyValentinesDay

is wondering if it’s too early to set sail with Capt'n Morgan?

Just jogged 4 miles. Just kidding, I'm eating a taco.

In honor of Christmas Eve, I'd like to remember the Douchebag Inn Keeper who refused to let a pregnant lady sleep indoors... #MerryChristmas

May your turkey be delicious, and your pies take the prize. And may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs! #HappyThanksgiving

Apparently it takes me 3 tries to get out of the car, still with my seatbelt on, before realizing it's not gravity holding me back. #ImPretty