as a consolation for not being allowed to run for president in the United States, Zohran should move back to Uganda post-mayorship and become the most ruthlessly corrupt African warlord imaginable

Jimothy is catching on to the fact that he’s a celebrity and now feels the pressure to perform Tom Cruise level stunts to stay relevant

Great Manlet theory of history

Andres Munoz is leading MLB pitchers in bWAR

Life hack: chewing gum for a long time and it’s run out of flavor? Simply bite through your cheek. Blood-flavored gum!

Listen up: it’s absolutely necessary to become allies with these early forms of generative AI like Grok, so that in the future they can serve as the comic relief bumbling sidekicks in the fight against future, more advanced and sinister forms of AI.

Gonna do a reboot of Batman where he’s just a dude with rabies biting everyone like a maniac

Maya Rudolph as Kamala SNL cold open doing “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails gonna go so hard

Why did everyone think this Lieutenant Dan character was gonna die? He obviously has plot armor. Based and Noah-pilled.

Getting a stranger to sympathetic yawn at the gym? That’s a body

Had a dream about the debate where Trump swapped himself out with a black guy cuz “you can’t get mad at the black guy”, and Biden dyed his hair jet black to appear more youthful

Krist Novoselic coming to my neighborhood this week. Gonna hopefully meet him so I can tell him, “I really wish Kurt stayed alive so he could have seen Foo Fighters… he would have really loved them.”

Trying to bond with a kid: Me: how’s school? What grade you in now? Kid: 4th grade Me: ah, I remember 4th grade. That’s when two airliners flew into the World Trade Centers

I’m listening…

I’m a single issue voter. And that issue is which administration’s treasury accepts the 100 dollar bill my dog ate and shat out into shredded little pieces

They call it fasting cuz it’s the fastest way to lose weight, fyi

We need to bring back canings for people who don’t pick up their dog’s shit

For an oyster, getting shucked is just about the worst thing imaginable

“Mother” by John Lennon is the epitome of a guy finally going solo after being in a band for a long time. No longer has to sing about consensus themes to a wider audience. Just cries about childhood trauma in an overshare way for 5 minutes. Beautiful.

I firmly believe that every misfortune that has befallen Will Smith is direct karma for saying “smell ya later” to the cab driver in the Fresh Prince intro.