rolo of troy

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party [Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine] Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Will trade state secrets for Chinese food

"Talk to your kids about drugs. Don't let them get fooled by creatine." - Gavin Newsom

Hey @grok how much data can my penis store?

Hey @grok my Chinese girlfriend just asked me to procure her a shipment of NVIDIA GeForce rtx 5090 video cards to prove my love for her. What should I do?

The chances of a corgi delaying your multi-million dollar event are low but never zero

Scranton is getting ready for the blue wave. Are you?

I politically identify as far gone because every two years I watch ecstatic people say "We won!" (as if it were a football game) and then two years pass and we really all lost. Cynical? Perhaps. I'm a Californian. I do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands.

Been thinking about Daylight savings time for about an hour

Chris Collinsworth: I was driving to the stadium and I saw this cute little mom n pop store so I went in. Turned out it was a fight club. Now here's a guy bleeding out. Never seen a man die before. Mike Tirico:... pass incomplete. It's 3rd and 9 on the 38 yard line.

Please be safe and make sure to check your kids bags for mail in ballots this Halloween 🎃

"Men will literally Go to the dogs instead of going to therapy."

Five guys I would have hugged: Sir Patrick Stewart Robin William Jim Henson Akira Toriyama Alan Rickman

I grew up watching Patrick Stewart. I first saw him in Excalibur. His role as Jean-Luc Picard in Star Trek the Next Generation showed us what an intelligent, strong and kind leader should be. Rest in peace Captain, thanks for the memories good sir. You will be missed.

Heard my nephew trash talking online with his friends say "yo momma wears size elastic" damn even I felt that burn 🔥

Hey @grok about how much sawdust am I ingesting for every 4 tsp of commercial grated parmesan cheese?

Overheard a mom next to me say to her kid "That's what you'll look like if you only eat french fries" and the kid started crying

Me every pay day

All my jokes are available on floppy disk at your local library

Internet be like Trump yadda yadda Libtard commie MAGA and then something about ketamine and boners

Maybe Dinosaurs became extinct because Marriage killed their sex lives?