I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

I cannot be held responsible for the things I say when you make it grip

[Strong Bad voice] various and sundry pieces of crap

“A shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on” are you telling me my shoulder is going to become a dick? Will my arm still be attached? DO TEARS TURN SHOULDERS INTO WIENERS?

Pronouncing ubiquitous as you-bee-kwee-tus

200 lbs bicep curl today. I am an uncaged gorilla made of tank parts

Great. Now I’m gonna be accused of doing a fad because of my Pixar mom dump truck ass

Arm and shoulder thrashing time. Trogdor mode engage

🎵 BBL TITTIES, BBL titty oooooh ooh ooh

I’m doing a combined arm and shoulder day tomorrow so I’m gonna be walking around looking like Trogdor tomorrow afternoon

Time to get my back as wide and juicy as possible, anyone need anything?

Instead of “I’m a grower not a shower” try “objects in my pants are bigger than they appear”

🎵 I know what I want and I want it now, I won’t tell you cause I’m Mr. Vague

Can I come over and eat cool whip off your titties? I promise I will share the cool whip with you

Fellas, how we feeling about peeing at home? We going pants and underwear all the way down or nah?

Titty blasting time, anyone need anything?

Snapchat is recommending I follow people who have never existed before. There is no way that I should follow 20 new people and they are all called Chloe

Stripper spun around on the pole so fast her pleasers flew off and one got stuck in a dude’s shoulder

Time for Leg Day 2: Quads and Hammies Bogus Journey. Anyone need anything?

The moon in the fucking sky?