DUMBLEDORE, VERY CALMLY: “HARRY POTTER! DID YOU ASK MALFOID TO THE DANCE?! HER FATHER IS SO FUCKING PISSED! I HAVE NEVER SEEN LUCIUS MALFOY THIS ANGRY IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE! HE HOOKED DOBBY UP TO A CAR BATTERY AND A PINATA AT THE SAME TIME! THEN HE USED A TIME SPELL TO TURN SECONDS INTO HOURS! HARRY, I WALKED INTO THE ROOM AND HAD NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT I WAS LOOKING AT. DOBBY WAS JUST HANGING THERE, GETTING BONKED BY THE PINATA EVERY FEW SECONDS, WHILE LUCIUS WAS STANDING IN THE CORNER SCREAMING ABOUT THE MALFOY FAMILY HONOR. FUNNIEST SHIT I EVER SAW. I HAD TO LEAVE THE ROOM BECAUSE I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD. EVEN SNAPE WAS TRYING NOT TO LAUGH. AND THAT MAN DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING SMILE. BUT, HARRY… THIS ISN’T A JOKE. YOU ASKED DRACAENA MALFOID TO THE DANCE. YOU HAVE PROVOKED THE MALFOY FAMILY. YOU HAVE DISTURBED THE PEACE OF HOGWARTS. YOU HAVE CAUSED LUCIUS MALFOY TO COMMIT WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT WAS. THE MINISTRY IS PROBABLY GOING TO HEAR ABOUT THIS. THE DAILY PROPHET WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS. THE GOBLINS WILL PROBABLY HEAR ABOUT THIS. HELL, I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED IF VOLDEMORT HEARS ABOUT THIS. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION. THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MATTER. THEREFORE, AS HEADMASTER, I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO TAKE DISCIPLINARY ACTION. I HAVE CAREFULLY CONSIDERED YOUR ACTIONS. I HAVE CONSULTED THE PROFESSORS. I HAVE CONSULTED THE PORTRAITS. I HAVE EVEN CONSULTED THE FUCKING SORTING HAT. AND AFTER MUCH DELIBERATION… I HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU WILL RECEIVE… 5000,000 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR. NOW GO TO THE DANCE, HARRY.