Yale Cohn

Happiest of birthdays to my spirit guide, the one and only Don Rickles, who would have turned 98 today, but who had the courtesy to die eight years ago because he saw you trying to make change that one time and realized none of you could count to 98 anyway, so why bother?

#FEMA: "Here's some critical information about an urgent emergency happening in your area." #BEARS FANS: "Take a number, pal. The line starts overbydere."

Having grown up in Chicago I'm more than accustomed to the #Cubs having their season being over by October 1st, but it hits a little different when it's the #Bears whose season is effectively over before it even feels like Fall outside . . .

ME, YESTERDAY: "Jesus, the Hawkeyes really played like shit tonight, didn't they? I can't believe a team this bad got picked for a national game. How embarrassing for their fans." THE CHICAGO BEARS, TODAY: "Hold my beer and watch this."

Apparently, #NASCAR is hosting a race in downtown Chicago this afternoon, making their course the fourth most dangerous stretch of road in Chicago after the Kennedy, the Dan Ryan, and the inbound Eisenhower.

Hosting this show on Saturday. Come have some laughs and support a great community resource on top of it.

Taking a page from the aerospace industry, the next time my suspenders fail and my pants fall down I'm going to refer to it as a "rapid unscheduled disassembly."

I never thought I'd live in a world where in just a few weeks time both #MikeTyson and #DaveChappelle would get attacked by strangers or that, between the two of them, the guy who attacked Chappelle would be the one to end up with permanently disabling injuries.

I'm removing my music from Spotify until they get rid of Punxsutawney Phil for promoting dangerous views regarding the length of winter.

If the gunman in #Colleyville thought that trapping a bunch of Jews in a synagogue against their will for 10 hours straight was somehow going to break their spirits, he'd obviously never been to a Rosh Hashanah service. That shit is par for the course for us.

Kids these days with their Jewish Space Lasers. Feh. When I was their age if we wanted to start a forest fire we had to use grandma's Jewish Space Magnifying Glass.

Still no toilet paper at #HyVee, but they're offering helpful alternatives for those of us with heartier souls, other parts.

While you were all tweeting and fretting about exposure rates and exponential spreads and quarantines Nicholas Cage filmed two separate movies about about the Coronavirus today which should be available at your local Redbox location by noon tomorrow because that's what heroes do.

1980: "By 2020 I bet we'll have flying cars and robot butlers!" 2020: "I'll trade you an ounce of my legal weed for 4 rolls of your black market toilet paper."

Common #StPatricksDay greeting, 1798 - 2019: "Erin Go Bragh!" St. Patrick's Day greeting in 2020: "Erin? Go Home!"

Inspired by videos of quarantined Italians joining together in song from their balconies, gangbangers in Chicago are now shooting each other from their apartment windows in order to reduce the risk of spreading contagions that might occur while killing each other face-to-face.

In light of ongoing hand sanitizer shortage, officials with the Minnesota Department of Health are advising citizens to apply lutefisk to their hands several times daily. Although this will not kill any viruses it will keep most other people at a safe distance throughout the day.

Considering the fact that neither one of us ever had a chance of getting elected president, I'm going to consider myself 500 million up on #MichaelBloomberg for the rest of the day. Anybody wanna go yacht shopping later?

Early results from #NewHampshire indicate #Iowa will never vote first in the nation ever again, may be asked to sit things out in November, too, "just to be safe."

After reading about this #TargetTori business I'd love to help @davidleavitt with his dental problems, free of charge. David, if you see this, hit me up!