Stuff Moms Say

The holidays always remind me of how grateful I am that prohibition is over.

Contest extended! Win a copy of The Wonderful Truth About Santa stuffmomssay.com/2015/12/Dea…

If a jackass kid at school told your kid about Santa, you need this book. You will cry. amazon.com/Wonderful-Truth-A…

True story.

Sundays are for cleaning and vodka.

Breakfast for dinner is code for "Mommy's too tired to give a shit."

I'm trying to cut calories so I'm replacing at least one meal a day with chardonnay.

People without kids giving out parenting advice. nitter.cf/_StuffMomsSay/status/6…

It's taking every bit of restraint not to show this to my kids and say this is what happens with too much sugar. nitter.cf/_StuffMomsSay/status/6…

Nurse: "What's your third child's birthday?" Me: "Spring two thousand something."

Parent at school: Would you like to join the PTO? Me: I actually only leave the house for food sorry.

Trying to look like a competent adult on back-to-school night. nitter.cf/_StuffMomsSay/status/6…

Me putting away the clothes that don't fit the baby anymore. nitter.cf/_StuffMomsSay/status/6…

All of my enemies have been forged in the school drop-off and pick-up line.

I'm too tired to care about celebrities.

If this is you...(((hugs)))

*stays up with kid until 1AM* *kid falls asleep* *parent can't fall asleep until 3AM* *kid wakes up at 4AM* *repeat*

If you say your kid is a good sleeper out loud, life will take it from you.

Me: Goodnight kids! *opens bedside drawer*

Pretending to be interested in my kid's artwork. nitter.cf/_StuffMomsSay/status/6…