Ash

I know it’s not stupid, but every holiday I feel really stupid for still needing to set aside time to grieve my dad. I think sometimes people don’t realize that even though grief is not and shouldn’t be someone’s entire personality, it’s an integral part of some of our personalities that will always be there even if we don’t verbalize it. Every holiday, every birthday, every important life event is forever changed by the absence of my dad. I get mad at myself that I can’t just enjoy a special day without getting home and breaking down. But that is the price we pay for being humans who experience love. We lose that love. And I grieve and I cry and I allow myself my moment to feel like shit even on seemingly happy days, because I know that is just the love I have for him that I have nowhere to put now. So I cry alone in my apartment. Still. Every holiday. Three years later. I probably always will