Venmo said no to ‘strip club buffet’ but somehow ‘blood orphan sacrifice stain removal’ is acceptable.
All those tough hardcore band names but not a group of people out there brave enough to call themselves ‘Backshot.’
I’ve been an iPhone owner for just over seven years now and it finally corrects ‘ducking’ to ‘fucking.’ What now? I feel like I’ve beat the game.
ALL COPS ARE FUCKING BASTARDS.
It is possible to lose 130lbs in one night. If you’re like me, you’ll find it the next day passed out drunk with someone who isn’t you.
When I see an entire family wearing black round-rimmed sunglasses, I just know they’re a bunch of assholes.
A membership-only cemetery exclusively for car accident victims. You get a plot for so many years, then when your timeframe is up, they’ll cremate your remains so they can re-use the plot. Call it ‘Crash and Burn.’
Elon gave us lemons and I thought we decided collectively to say ‘fuck the lemons,’ and bail, but here youse still are, sipping on your sour ass lemonade. So I guess I’m back.
Lois Lane not being able to see a sans glasses Velma in ‘Scooby Doo & Krypto, Too’ is next level.
Still dgaf about your sign. I just want to know whose lyrics were on the inside of your original Macbeths. (I had Bane.)
Trying to figure out late night abdominal pain these days is ridiculous. Did I cry so much today that my muscles hurt? Probably. Do I have to poop? Seems unlikely at this hour, but maybe. Was nine pickles too many pickles? Highly doubtful and definitely impossible.
Do you think Tom Cruise’s email to Timothee Chalamet included the whereabouts of Shelly Miscavige or just a bunch of Scientology links?
They cancelled all the Yeezy releases for the rest of this year, so I guess y’all are gonna have to get your marshmallow shoes from somewhere else.