Rich

We need to be asking the hard questions no one wants to answer like when will the salt and vinegar mines be depleted?

Apparently both of the preschools I attended are defunct. I hate to think I'm the common denominator.

A most persistent delusion of parenthood is convincing yourself how much sleep you will get that night based on when your alarm clock is set for.

On a more serious note: The silver lining to sleep deprivation.

My journey into adulthood was completed when I gave my wife my old Super Nintendo plug to charge her breast pump.

I didn't know "back scrap" was a kind of meat but please never speak of it again.

I'd love it if instagram didn't keep suggesting friends from the Facebook account I deactivated four years ago.

Based on my South Jersey accent I'm not sure I'm the most qualified person to be teaching my children the word "button". "BUH. IN. Buh-in!"

Just once I'd like someone to remark that I have the feet of a much younger man.

RIP AIM. You're a big reason my sister and I are much better typists than the younger digital natives. We will always be grateful.

No I don't ever want Sticky Keys enabled. Like most people, hitting the Shift Key over and over helps me think.

Wife: "Worst candies ever."

Apple is falsely calling something which is one color by another color's name. FAKE HUES!

Millennial Brands: Literally all rights reserved.

One important lesson I learned in college was don't watch action movies with someone who is a gun aficionado. Best way to ruin everything.

About to travel for 24 hours over four flights with two babies. Let's hope my napkin-pants hold up.

Farewell to a true legend. nitter.cf/AP/status/890694296961…

Happy to announce I'm piloting a new highly-sustainable "Spam to Spork" program.