denppy 🪱🫀【moetaku】

begging someone to save my life

thank you to everyone who has helped out ;; i know it’s kind of a difficult time of year too near Christmas and all so it’s a big ask.. I was thinking of maybe doing a donothon or something when I am a bit more stabilized.. would anyone be supportive? I need goal ideas too..! I am still really bad off and I don’t want to turn my Twitter into just an ebegging page but I do still need to get things sorted and my mental condition is still rough I am starting some new meds so I need some time to adjust,,

long post incoming sorry I know vtubing uses menhera a lot to describe people, mostly more teasing but I know a lot of vtubers and viewers really struggle with mental health so I have like a lot to say and big wall, I know a lot of people like it for escapism too and don’t want to be reminded of mental struggles in this space but I think it’s important to talk about too and if it helps even one person i feel like that’s worth it.. I am a mess but if I can help even one person I think that’s some light in all this darkness.. I am a bit of a better state now, I am still very exhausted and panicked a bit but more stabilized ;; I was prepared to be admitted possibly but they set me up with some new medication and referrals for my mental health, I had a lot of waiting and time to reflect. I am sorry for worrying anyone, I have been unable to sleep, waking up with severe panic attacks after an hour of rest at most, and they are scary and debilitating. When I wake up in this state it feels like I am going to die, my heart races, my body is shaking, vomitting etc. I have been formally diagnosed with panic disorder on top of my other ailments and I am going to do my best to try and relax, find more ways to try and regulate etc.. I want to give anyone who has helped me out with advice, financially, any way more of a proper thanks when I have more energy. I felt embarrassed and like I should delete my panicked posts but I think I will keep them because everyone has been so kind, and if anyone feels alone in their struggles maybe it’s nice to know they aren’t? It feels kind of stupid to think like yea I am the only one who feels this way but having severe mental health issues can be incredibly isolating, it's scary to talk to anyone about it, you’re more inclined to self isolate and ruminate.. I have cried so much today out of sadness, anxiety, but also feelings of kindness and hope that have moved me a lot ;; I feel a lot more faith that theres good in people and the world isn’t just cruel. When it’s bad it’s hard to see any good in the world and I just see this blanket or bleakness that clouds everything beautiful If you’ve read this far thank you, and please also take care of your health however you can. It’s a really rough scary world and the future can feel so bleak, but I keep trying my best to see the light. Small things like the orange sky in the sunrise, my cats stretching and flopping over when they see me, maybe eat a candy you like or go for some fresh air even if it feels like it’s impossible just to leave your bed I’ll never be able to leave the nightmare thats in my brain, but I am doing my best to live with it

thank you to everyone who has been beyond kind to me, it means so much, I will thank everyone properly when I can ;; I am heading to the ER becsuse my mental condition is only declining, sorry for oversharing so much again. Please take care of yourselves. I have so much love for you all