Prince of Passyunk

Never give an eskimo a housewarming gift

All shark films should end with "fin"

sex with your mother's sister can be auntie climactic

i tried doing standup for erectile dysfunction support groups. it wasn't hard, but i never got big. at least no one got up... and left.

not to toot my own horn, but i've been fellating myself for years

i recently beat my addiction to soap. i've been unclean for 6 months.

for those of you who ignored me when i repeatedly slid up in your DMs... i was just informed that hot singles in my area want to meet me.

starting a double entendre club. it's gonna be huge, and i want you to come.

i love BBC!!!! (the broadcasting service, ya fuckin' degenerates)

MIST CONNECTION: i was in the bushes near your house. you sprayed me with a small cloud of pepper spray droplets.

a guy once asked me to cover his tracks. he's in prison now, but I can play all of his songs.

my inability to masturbate has gotten out of hand

when i found out my roommate said he was gonna kill whoever was stealing his clothes, i nearly shit his pants

switched my phone to airplane mode, and all i hear are crying babies

FUN FACT: there's an incestuous sixth Spice Girl named Pump Kin Spice

serious dog actors are masters of the dramatic paws

i came home super drunk last night and ended up hugging the toilet. i wasn't sick, i'm just really lonely.

it's called self-deprecating humor, maybe you've heard of... how small my penis is.

viagra thieves are hardened criminals

i treat all of my wives equally. isn't that big a me?