Paige Wakefield

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. 'Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it'.

Why does my cactus look like Mr. Krabs

I am at a walk in clinic for a chest cold. I’m going to see low long it takes before this doctor asks for the first day of my last per- oh it already happened.

I wanna do mushrooms with Mayim Bialik

On a scale from 1 to Martha May Whovier how horny are you

When are we as a society going to accept that all mascaras are the same. “This one lengthens, this one thickens” it’s all goop grow up

Remembering the time when the iPad just came out and my first thought was that it was a high tech menstrual product

Me: let’s go on another trip My bank account:

Overheard at a festival: I’m not physically craving a cigarette, but I am thinking about it

It’s not a chihuahua unless it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Otherwise it’s just a sparkling rat.

Can literally anyone calm down and shut the fuck up for like one second