Tori Sari

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

Nothing has made me question my intelligence more than trying to cancel a subscription I don't remember signing up for.

I want to know who decided that airplane seats should recline precisely far enough to ruin two people's lives simultaneously.

I don't want to optimize my life anymore. I want to experience a Tuesday without discovering that my cortisol, posture, spending habits, or childhood attachment style is working against me.

The person who invented the open-concept office should be required to complete a tax return while three coworkers discuss a television show behind them.

I don't even grocery shop anymore. I just walk around Target looking at prices until I lose the will to cook.

America really has everything except an affordable, uncomplicated way to be a person.

I would absolutely survive a horror movie because the second someone says, "Let's split up," I'm going home to bed.

My dog will ignore an expensive toy for three months, then become emotionally attached to a piece of trash that she found in a parking lot.

Nothing will humble you faster than sprinting through an airport with a purse, a carry-on, and the lung capacity of an indoor cat.

Sometimes the most reasonable response to an unreasonable world is to make dinner, call someone you love, and go to bed at a respectable hour.

Nothing says “the American dream” quite like standing in the grocery aisle doing mental math to determine whether you can afford the name-brand Frosted Flakes.

I need less character development and more direct deposit.

The home has just become a place where we store objects purchased to help us organize other objects purchased to help us manage the consequences of purchasing objects.

Having a dog is basically having a tiny roommate who doesn’t speak your language but has very strong opinions about your lifestyle.

I really don't need a “Sunday night reset.” I need a medium sized inheritance and five consecutive business days where nobody needs anything from me.