Brandon LT

I love how I can spend £80 on a night out without checking my bank balance once, but spend 20 minutes debating whether I really need a £3.50 sandwich.

Why does putting fresh bedding on feel like completing a marathon, but getting into it afterwards feel like winning the lottery?

Me going into Lidl for some bread and coming out with a cordless screwdriver, a paddling pool and a suspiciously large amount of cheese.

The older I get, the more I appreciate people who say “I’m leaving in 5 minutes” and actually leave in 5 minutes.

Putting £30 in the petrol tank and driving home like I’ve just completed a major financial transaction.

Getting a takeaway on a Wednesday feels irresponsible until you remember you’re an adult and nobody can actually stop you.

The Chicken Legend is returning and suddenly I’m optimistic about the future.

Saying “I’ll just pop to the shops before they get busy” as if I haven’t picked the exact same time as every other person in the town who had the same idea.

My personality depends on whether I’ve eaten, slept or been mildly inconvenienced.

Every British household has a drawer full of cables nobody can identify.

Me spending all week looking forward to the weekend, then using Saturday to recover from the week and Sunday to worry about Monday. What a lovely little system we’ve got going here.

I need everyone who says “money can’t buy happiness” to try ordering a takeaway on a rainy Friday night with absolutely no plans tomorrow.

Nothing quite humbles you like spending 20 minutes looking for your phone whilst using the torch on your phone to help you look.

Checking the takeaway app every 30 seconds after ordering, as if watching the little scooter move across the map is going to make my chips arrive any quicker.

I love how “I’ll just have a little look around the shops” is code for spending £60 and coming home with absolutely nothing you needed.

The older I get, the more I understand people who go on holiday and spend the entire time sitting by a pool doing absolutely nothing.

There’s no greater test of a relationship than deciding what to watch on Netflix when both of you have the attention span of a goldfish.

Why is eating food you’ve cooked yourself never as satisfying as eating the exact same food when someone else has made it?

Why does getting a day off work feel less like a holiday and more like being given 24 hours to catch up on everything you’ve been avoiding.

Seeing “Clubcard price” on something and suddenly feeling like I’ve personally outsmarted the entire Tesco corporation.