Jeff Tiedrich

ALT Remember the other day, when Obama thoroughly humiliated Donny by pointing that that the Oval Bordello has been tatted up with so much golden crap that it now ‘looks like Saddam Hussein opened up a Cheesecake Factory’? Spoiler alert: Obama played Preznit Fuckwit like a five-dollar fiddle. He knew that Donny wouldn’t be able to resist taking the bait — and take the bait he did, melting all the way down and power-loading an infinite series of diapers over how unfair it was that the black man made him look like a dipshit. Trump is BIG MAD about Obama saying the White House now looks like Saddam opened a Cheesecake Factory: “He’s not a smart guy. He's not smart at all ... for you to say it’s a Cheesecake Factory, that just shows why you were a lousy president.” Shut the fuck up, Donny. Grow a sense of humor. So of course, when faced with such an irresistible, thin-skinned piss-baby target, Obama did the only logical thing.

ALT Holy shit! Four years ago today, I created this newsletter with the half-baked notion that I might try my hand at writing something longer than a tweet. I had no expectations of anything. If I had, I might have spent more than ninety seconds coming up with the name for this site. I figured I might write a couple of things a week for a little while, grow tired of it, and then move on to the next shiny object. Spoiler alert: that’s not how shit went down at all. Here we are, four years later — and wow, we have a thriving community here. That is flattering and humbling and … I really didn’t see it coming. FOLKS, YOU ALL FUCKING RULE.

ALT Once again, these fucking fucks have me completely fucking exhausted. Every morning is like, ‘oh my god, what stupid shit are they going to pull today?’ It’s all so eternally soul-crushing. The relentless barrage of flimsy lies. The flop-sweat desperation of losing losers who know they’re going to lose. The nonstop bigotry, misogyny, transphobia and Islamophobia of d-list demagogues trying to terrify people into voting for them. And it just keeps on getting stupider. Do we all really have to endure the next seven days? Can’t we just magically skip ahead to next Wednesday, when we all wake up into a world where the fuckfaces have lost?

ALT Of course we know the real reason that the Donnyverse is SIR I AM OUTRAGED about Obama. It’s because, for eight long years, he had the utter temerity to President While Black. How dare he? And he was unapologetic about it. Even worse, he was super fucking good at it. Every racist lost their mind — and so they had to gin up everything Obama did into some ridiculous fake scandal. He wore a tan suit! He put mustard on a hamburger! And now, he’s dissed Dear Leader’s vulgar aesthetic. The nerve! Fuck straight out of here with your nonsense, you MAGA morons. We’re not buying any today.

ALT Mister President, sir — if that really is your name — I have a question: Who the fuck is we, who are making this “frickin’ fortune”? Because it sure as hell isn’t me. And I know it’s not the average American, sitting at home, trying to figure out which bills to put off paying for another month, to try to make ends meet. Of course you know who Donny is referring to when he says “we’re making a frickin’ fortune” — he’s talking about himself, his cronies, and his felonious family. That’s all who Donny cares about. We the People can go kick rocks. This isn’t even ‘let them eat cake.’ It’s more like ‘let them eat fuck-all, I could give a shit.’ How can MAGA just stand there and accept it? You know goddamned well that if Joe Biden’s autopen had ever said such a thing, enraged Republicans, bearing torches and pitchforks, would have stormed the White House.

ALT Let’s start this week off right, and watch some rando gun fetishist express his Constitutionally-ordained Second Amendment right to blast the shit out of his car’s dashboard.

ALT And there it is, folks — the head of the Department of What Used To Be Justice will not rule out meddling in the upcoming midterms. You have to love how the Toddinator pretends that if he has no choice but to step in and attempt to halt the certification process, it’s because he has to, not because he wants to. Y’know, for the good of the county. You’re welcome, America. Never mind that the executive branch has no Constitutional role in the process of state certification of election results, and that any attempt fuck with that shit would be a blatant exercise in criminality. Look, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, am I right? But that’s just par for the course for the loyal ambulance chaser who labors under the misconception that he’s supposed to be taking his marching orders directly from Donny Von Schitzinpants.

ALT As I never tire of saying, Jon Ossoff is so good at this. No matter what the subject, he’ll masterfully tie it to the high crimes and corruption of Donny and his felonious family. Ask him what time it is, and he’ll be all, ‘it’s Donny is a thieving bastard o’clock.’