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if i was a girl id wear a ponytail everyday & tell ppl im low maintenance then fucking flip @ a server 4 no cherry on my pomegranate gimlet
idk why but these little cute neighborhood libraries always make me feel like yelling at a barista or my house cleaner carmela.
i wish lobotomies were reversible like vasectomies then we could all finally relax instead of wondering how many ppl are responding to our autoresponders mid vacation
the first thing people ask after returning from vacay and getting their reverse procedure is where their cell phone is and who took care of their laptop while they were gone.
in the future people will open bottles of wine from the year 2020 & 2021 and taste hints of depression and loneliness
im gonna start a support group called guppies & puppy’s and the only thing we’ll be allowed to talk about is our deadly shell fish allergies
it’d be so cool to be ken grossman: build the best beer (pale ale) and then fly around to any place in the world and drink it
pls don’t act like you’ve known all along how the impeachment process works and everyone else is a dummy w.out a smart phone.
me: hey can i get your key to the bathroom?
every coffee shop: sure it’s attached to this obnoxiously large bar object that’s covered in a mystery liquid from the previous person who used it
do you think if you were blind folded you could tell the difference between a dog sneeze and a human sneeze?
