Raj.

4 weeks ago I was rescued by @rnli_teddington. I vowed to never find myself in a river again. But when you’re in a crisis - all rational thinking disappears. All I wanted was to escape my mind. Not to die. But if it wasn’t for the @RNLI I most certainly would have. These services save lives without judgement. They do not discriminate. They rescue anyone - and I wonder how many times they’ve rescued others going through a crisis. I’m ashamed of my actions but I’m so incredibly grateful for being rescued. Thank you for giving me a second chance.

Only a matter of time until Taz managed to jump the board. Clearly he knew it was a special day and wanted to pay his respects!!! @RNLI #200years

This ⬇️ #cptsd #trauma

Taz in training… Ted not yet brave enough to come out of the cage but he’ll get there! Just a week in of having them and fallen in love already 🐀 🩵 #pets #rats #training

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Turning up to work, smiling and getting on with things. But inside is a very different story. I am hurting, I am mentally exhausted and still tormented by my own dark thoughts. It's both a protective factor for me but the masking that comes with it can have a devastating impact. It's so hard to keep up with 'life' this way and you question at what point will you collapse. At what point will it all fall down. Days when I'm not working are much harder but masking at work drains me to a whole new level of exhaustion. Sometimes there's no 'better way' to manage a crisis. Everyone is different and every episode can present itself differently. The unknown plays havoc with my autistic brain. I long for things to get better - doing all that I can to help myself but still no end in sight. #mentalhealth #cptsd #trauma #autistic

One of my challenges with being autistic is my difficulty with generalising things. So when it came to the prospect of PRN medication it wasn’t until the home treatment team explained it in a way that made sense. I felt like a failure if I were to take them. But over the past 2 months I’ve found myself over a bridge, in a river, in resus after several OD’s, in the psych ward and putting myself in other dangerous situations. If I had a headache I would take painkillers- therefore if I am going through torture in my mind I should help myself and if that means medication then that’s ok. It’s not a failure. That message meant a lot to me. I am not a failure for needing PRN medication - I have accepted the need for help. I can’t do it alone. I need practical, therapeutic and medical interventions to see me through. And that’s ok. #autism #cptsd #mentalhealth #trauma #recovery

Welcome to your new home Taz and Ted 🩵💙 #pets #rats

The hardest part is not knowing if and when your crisis will end. You’re constantly told it will pass. You hold on to that. But if only there could be a date. If only you could know how much longer this will last. Because in the midst of things it feels like it never will. If only there was a magic way of knowing. A magic ounce of hope to try and give you a little more strength to go on. Knowing it will end. My autistic brain is desperately seeking and needing some kind of date. It can be dangerous when I start feeling the need to put my own date on things before ending it all. Because I can’t cope with the thought of living like this forever. #mentalhealth #ActuallyAutistic #cptsd #life #crisis