metaforestlife

When two partners both treat their triggers as chances to heal, most uncomfortable interactions and insensitive blunders get used for self-awareness and healing, rather than justifications for pressuring the other person to change. When we use triggers to heal, our partner can trust that their mistakes won't be the beginning of a battle, but of our personal growth. Step 11 of 11 for dissolving defenses to heal underlying core wounds. #emotionaltriggers #healthyrelationships #innerwork #emotionalhealing #gratitude

Most insight and transformation lies on the other side of painful emotional waves. Once on that side, it helps to write down what we've learned, such as where the old defense might have come from and why we no longer need it, and what we can do instead. Over time, as we practice feeling the emotion instead of leaning on psychological defenses, it gets easier and more natural to access our healthiest options, like a limp that goes away as we challenge ourselves to bear weight on the injured leg and strengthen it. Steps 9 and 10 of 11 for dissolving defenses to heal underlying core wounds. Step 11 is next. #emotionaltriggers #emotionalhealing #innerwork #journaling #personalgrowth

Core wounds don't heal in just one dose of presence. They form over years, can take years to heal, and the scars may never fully go away. But every session of staying with our emotional pain is an application of a healing balm that will make a difference over time. Any moment longer than our usual spent attending to our emotional pain is a dose of medicine and a repetition that will consolidate into skill. Step 8 of 11 for dissolving defenses to heal underlying core wounds. Steps 9 & 10 are next. #emotionaltriggers #emotionalhealing #innerwork #healingjourney #somatichealing

Attempting to think our way out of emotional pain is a common thread underlying almost all defenses. Biology and culture have both made humans into the big-brained species that survives largely through intellect, so thinking and survival go hand in hand, which is one explanation for why survival often feels so burdensome. Picture holding two magnets close to each other but not touching, close enough to feel the force between them, but not so close that they fuse. That might be the relationship we want with our thoughts and feelings when we’re sitting with emotional pain. Step 7 of 11 for dissolving defenses to heal underlying core wounds. Step 8 is next. #emotionaltriggers #overthinking #mindfulness #innerwork #somatichealing

Usually we have to get pretty sick of our defenses before we find the motivation to do something as unpleasant as sitting with difficult body sensations without trying to make them go away. When we stay with a difficult emotion in the body, the sensations probably range somewhere between slightly unpleasant and seemingly intolerable. But they are tolerable, at least for some time and to some extent.

Psychological defenses dissolve in the solvent of our attention. We can observe the defensive urge (e.g., to attack or defend, to withdraw, to dissociate) and the story that accompanies it, and choose to decline acting on the urge or believing the story. Every time we do this, we free ourselves a little more. #emotionaltriggers #emotionalhealing #traumaresponse #innerwork #fightflight

Someone says something that upsets us, and rather than going straight to that emotion, we feel an urge to retort something back that gives us immediate relief, but just escalates strain. A long time ago it was a revelation to me that these kinds of rash responses were defenses. Here are my steps 1 and 2 of 11 for dissolving psychological defenses.

How long should hard emotions last? In 18 years of practice, almost every client has asked me some version of that question, though usually not directly. Sometimes it sounds like "I feel my pain all the time, I should be feeling less of it, not more." Sometimes it's "I don't really do the feels." My answer begins with the Buddhist parable of the two arrows. The first arrow is the pain life shoots at us, big or small. The second arrow is the one we shoot at ourselves, trying not to feel the first. Second arrows can be cognitive, somatic, behavioral, or relational. Responding to an emotion isn't inherently a problem. What makes a response a second arrow is whether it's aimed at avoiding the feeling or metabolizing it. I also address why "which path involves less pain?" may not be the most useful question, and what liberation means if it isn't freedom from pain. This is Part 1 of a series: youtu.be/PVanpeOrfH8

Some emotional pain is from a new injury, and that pain is a signal to protect ourselves, to prevent the damage. But some (maybe even most) emotional pain is actually of old injuries, and our wise response to that pain is the opposite. Pain from an old injury needs to be felt. Allowed. Surrendered to. Because that pain is a different signal: it's a sign that you're healing. That pain is like the pain of surgery, or exorcism. The trauma hurt going in, and so it hurts coming out. Self-protection in that case blocks our healing, but it can FEEL like damage prevention. Since the pain feels so similar, it's easy to mistake one for the other.

She needs closeness before she can give him space. He needs space before he can give her closeness. So who goes first? Most serious couples hit some version of this power struggle over who receives and who gives. As I see it, the way through is taking turns: stretching to care for your partner at your own temporary expense, and doing enough of your own healing to weather it. That work can begin long before you ever meet.

What is the force that pulls people in relationships toward the familiar stance, “I can only depend on myself”? A couple says they want to be together. And when they’re cooperating, they genuinely do, and they accomplish great things together with an aura of love and synergistic harmony. But when they get sufficiently scared, there’s a strong impulse to withdraw…to retreat…to “go it alone” — whether that refers to a particular goal they can’t agree on, or to their entire relationship — their goal of enjoying life together. Even when one partner is critical and blaming, and appears to be pursuing the other for reconnection, I usually find that there’s an augmenting script playing in the back of their mind… a growing doubt that it might not work — that they might wind up better off alone. Hence, the desperate bids for repair that often backfire. I think that game theory — in particular the game called “The Stag Hunt” — can shed some light on why there is so much fear of trust in couples’ relationships. You can catch a big stag with cooperation, and you can catch a rabbit alone. Either way, you eat. But what we really fear is starving — catching nothing. And that happens when cooperation goes sideways… when anti-synergy makes 1+1 equal zero or negative 10. When the fallback of operating like a single person is nowhere to be found. Your partner is off catching rabbits solo, and your stag, that you needed help catching, escapes. Or, you’re both trying to catch totally different stags, having mistaken them for the same animal. Or worst of all, the hunt never begins at all because endless arguments never produce a shared agreement for unifying your efforts. A lot of couples’ fights are really about what they’re aiming toward. What are they doing with money (their stored energy)? With free time together? With where to live? With parenting? With life? But unfortunately, the underlying issue of different goals gets buried under layers of two-way vilification and pathologization. Both sides can feel that the other suffers from varying forms of madness or badness, when in truth they simply have different preferences, which either can or cannot be sufficiently aligned such that they can enjoy life “well enough” together. And it’s the fear that alignment might not be possible that scares couples away from having the very discussions that would answer that question and resolve their uncertainty. In this video, I apply The Stag Hunt metaphor to couples, and offer several perspective shifts for when finding a common aim is challenging. I answer the question of when the best outcome is, in fact, to “hunt rabbits” (do their own thing) rather than cooperating toward something big. I explain why relationships that allow for the option of pursuing separate individual goals are ironically more likely to make genuine cooperation toward lofty, shared goals truly possible. I talk about why maturity entails letting go of the “survival belief” that, in families, there need to be winners and losers. And I offer some strategies for couples moving away from blame and shame, and looking honestly at the fundamental problem of unaligned individual life goals. youtu.be/3X04U23khQE

No one gets through childhood unscathed. So we all carry at least some old wounding from needs that weren't quite met. And, according to Imago therapy, we carry an unconscious agenda with regards to that old wounding into our committed love relationship. We are unconsciously looking to be healed. But some of the traits that drew us to our partner (they feel like “family”), also make it likely that, at times, our partner will be challenged in providing us with the different outcome that we long for from them. The good news is that we also seek partners who are not entirely like our family of origin. We want them to close enough to our family to repair what’s unresolved, but different enough so they can actually accomplish it, rather than recreate the original childhood injuries. The same is true in reverse — they have their own unconscious agenda to be healed, and we’ll be both the right and the wrong person for that job. #ImagoTherapy #Relationships #Healing #Attachment #Psychology #MentalHealth #InnerChild #Philosophy

When a relationship ends, it can become a bittersweet inspiration to heal, if we intuit that our attachment wounds and defenses blocked our innate generosity of, and receptivity to, love. There are countless healing paths, whether they be with others (e.g., therapy, close friendship), or with yourself (e.g., solitude, nature, introspection). The route you take works for you if it takes you to self-love, which is where love for a partner can overflow from. A significant sign of progress is genuine wishes that your exes are finding the same healing, self-love, and healthy intimate connection that you’re seeking and cultivating. #healing #attachmentwounds #innerwork #selflove #relationships #therapy #solitude #introspection #selfcompassion #intimacy #personalgrowth

Our ability to handle emotional discomfort directly determines how well we can love a partner. It's human nature to feel good when we get what we want, and pain when we don't. But healthy relationships require sometimes going without, so our partner can have their needs met. We can't give a partner space when we crave connection unless we can tolerate the discomfort that space creates. We can’t give a partner connection when we want space unless we can tolerate the discomfort from not having the space. To the extent we can tolerate these emotions, we can show up with love. To the extent we reactively avoid them, we can't. The foundation of emotional regulation is ideally built in childhood, but with hard work and consistent practice, we can catch up as adults. If, after a relationship ends, we struggle to understand why we leaned too hard, or why connection unnerved us, that may be our call to heal before — or during — the next one. #EmotionalRegulation #Relationships #Healing #Love #PersonalGrowth #AttachmentTheory #EmotionalIntelligence #LifePhilosophy

In couples work, my clients often resist showing up lovingly for their partner. The logic is understandable: "Better to not give than to give and not receive." But more self-protection changes nothing. The bond just keeps degrading. Someone always has to "go first" to interrupt the downward spiral. Here's the more motivating reason to give freely: I call it cleaning up your side of the street. If you're holding back, it's impossible to know how much your partner is capable of loving you, because your withholding creates theirs. But if you give genuinely and consistently, without keeping score, eventually you get clarity. Either your partner feels the love and responds in kind, or it becomes clear they can't meet your needs, however wonderful they are in other ways. You might even discover the happiness you sought from receiving was found in giving. That you need less than you thought, and can tolerate more imperfection, once you become a better cleaner of your own messes. Any of these outcomes creates movement. You're no longer stuck in agonizing stagnation.  You've either restored a win-win relationship, or found the conviction to leave. When there's a collective mess, it's hard to know how much is yours. When you thoroughly clean your part, you can finally see how much is really theirs. #Relationships #CouplesTherapy #Healing #Love #PersonalGrowth #RelationshipAdvice #SelfAwareness #LifePhilosophy

“Don't judge me.” “You're being judgmental.” “This is a judgment-free zone.” We bristle at the word “judgment” and being judgmental, because we intuitively and reflexively sense real danger there. But in truth, every day we’re continuously making decisions and distinctions in order to live the lives that we want. X is better than Y. We choose this and not that. We let someone in, and keep another out. What really IS the difference between harmful/immoral/defensive judgment vs squarely looking at reality in order to decide what we include and what we exclude based on qualities that we determine are good for us or not? Just labeling it something else like "discernment" only goes so far. Separating the light and dark sides of judgment with semantics doesn't do the work of explaining what the difference actually is. The Tarot deck doesn’t shy away from the word “judgment”, including a card by that name which actually points at healthy discernment. And in our society we give someone the title of “judge” when we entrust them to make good and fair decisions. So what really is the difference between the light side and the shadow side of judgment? In this brief video, I relate this important distinction to the drama triangle, which I think is a complex of the dark side of interpersonal judgment. ~~~ The Subtle Art Of Taking It Personally 3.2 youtu.be/deVMC1aem5w ~~~ #dramatriangle #judgment #discernment #psychologicalshadow #shadowwork #compassion #selflove #personalgrowth #innerwork #tarot #selfawareness #archetypes

Our Steller’s Jay fledglings finished launching from their nest a few days ago. It was bittersweet to see them leave. We think that they hatched on April 25th, the same morning that our dog died. Life began as decisively as it ended, around the same time, at the same backyard deck. We like to think that the timing was a compassionate gift from some unseen benevolent force, to ease our grief a little. For the first couple of weeks of their lives, we just enjoyed hearing their little cries when their parents would visit the nest. They must have been so tiny; we couldn’t even see them. But we could feel a little vortex of delightful baby bird energy emanating from their nest when we were outside. Eventually they grew enough for us to start seeing their little heads pop up above the top of their twig crib. Kira took a short video with her camera, and I got hooked on video documenting their growth from then on. They didn’t seem to mind me quietly setting up a camera to capture a couple of hours of their activity each day. This footage was taken May 13 through May 17, once I found the best camera angle available. It’s amazing how much they developed in just 4 days. One day Kira and I were looking at it and laughing at their adorable shenanigans. She said it was way better than TV. I noticed the thought: “This is therapy.” Later when I was lying in bed to go to sleep, I closed my eyes, and in my mind’s eye I saw little fluffy baby birds hopping over each other, curiously looking around, and practice-flapping their wings. It struck me how true it is that we wind up thinking about whatever we focus on during the day. And I was happy with that mental inertia I was experiencing.

It’s crucial to know the difference between partner incompatibility and our unhealed wounds, because it informs whether you simply need to find a more compatible partner, or need to turn your attention toward yourself for a while to address the wounds that don’t go away when a relationship ends. Sometimes after a breakup, it's clear that no path with that person would have served you. The differences were too great. Staying would have meant betraying your essential nature, suppressing vital parts of yourself, and giving up non-negotiable dreams. When you find this truth, you don't tend to question the choice. You feel peace and empowerment, mixed with grief. You take comfort in knowing yourself and your needs more fully. But other relationship endings are different. You may have an intuition that you were already limiting yourself before the relationship even started. And that that suppression kept you from rising to the occasion, from being who you really are. Fear of authenticity and intimacy kept you from showing up fully. You sense that you self-sabotaged for emotional protection. When this happens, it happens on both sides, because commitment is a joint act. You can sense when someone says "I'm in" but their heart isn't fully there. And that makes you close off too. Fear of investing is mutually reciprocal, like two ships drifting apart from one another. ~~~ Incompatibility vs unhealed wounds (Three pillars of a nourishing relationship 3.3.4) ~~~ #Relationships #Breakups #SelfAwareness #Commitment #Love #Healing #PersonalGrowth #RelationshipPatterns #LifePhilosophy #AttachmentTheory

We’ve been delighted and honored to host this very cute Steller's Jay couple, as they decided to build a little home and raise a family on top of our light. They’ve both been very hard at work for many weeks, collecting food and keeping their eggs and now four hatchlings warm during some cold, late spring storms. Happy Mother’s Day to all the loving and dedicated moms out there, human and animal, who create and nurture life all over our big beautiful Mother Earth.