Nee Ridge

Apparently, drinking baking soda helps with indigestion. I tried it this morning. By lunchtime, I was coughing up cupcakes. #LunchPun

They say if you're cold, put on another jumper. So I did and it kept me warm for 5 minutes. Dunno what to do with all the burnt cotton. #LunchPun

You'd think pelicans were terrible gossips. They're actually just fishwives who've finally learnt to keep their big mouths shut.

Why didn't Mr Toad cross the road? He was like a ribbit in headlights. #LunchPun

I'm thinking of going for an African Grey. Apparently it's noisy, messy and a 60-year commitment. Seems a bit much for a hair dye. #LunchPun

“Doctor, doctor, I've got a feeling of déjà vu.” “It's nothing. You always say that.” #LunchPun

I was in the sauna when a boxer came in. He was trying to lose weight for his next fight. He asked, “Do you box?” I went, “No, but I could be your spa partner.”

I read somewhere the key to a funny joke is to use capitals and exclamation marks. I thought, “EXACTLY!!!” #LunchPun

- Waiter Waiter, there's a twig in my cake - Well, Sir, you did order the Black Forest gâteau #LunchPun

"There's been a major breakthrough in ironing." "Oh, really?" "Yes. They've issued a press release."

A paperclip walks into a bar. Barman goes, “You single?” Paperclip goes, “No, I'm attached.” #LunchPun

Did Mr Toad drive an amphibious vehicle or was it an off-toad vehicle? #LunchPun

Dutch girlfriend's still learning English. Deciding whether to watch the football at home or at the pub. Slight misunderstanding… 🇳🇱⚽

I took a DIY henhouse to a protest outside Parliament. Police arrested me for attempting a coup. #LunchPun

Kitty accused of leaving obscene phone messages. In court, the prosecution played a catcall. Jury cleared him of all charges. But convicted him of purrjury. He'd told the truth. But couldn't stop lying on the witness stand #LunchPun

A Viennese dancer walks into a pub. The barman says, "You can't just waltz in here!" #LunchPun

They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus. A year on Venus is only 225 days. So women don't lie about their age. They just give it in Earth years.

Neraly it has to be in reality... the first bit I heard a legendary American rock star is having a massive clear-out. He's getting rid of all his old guitars, records and memorabilia. He's now known as Bruce Springclean.

I've decided to take up the decathlon. Jock of all trades, master of none. Except maybe... ballet. #LunchPun

The worst kind of topical news show would be on astronomy. "Breaking news! A star has just exploded!" Well, when I say just, Fred Flintstone was still a baby.