OhThatGregPorter

My sandwich has seen things.

It turns out I was unable to go big. So I went home.

Police are on the lookout for jar of mayo, a tomato, 2 slices of bacon, some lettuce, ham, and cheese. The word is, they went into a club and never came back out.

At the retirement party, the outgoing fellow said, "You are all assets to me, minus the T. Some of you are britches, without the R. I'll forget you all easily."

Old gay joke from the earliest of computers: How do gays use the computer for sex? C: ### (See colon, enter, pound pound pound(

I’m still confused why, and how, she was able to sell seashells by the seashore.

Wanna see something cool? Tap on screen

On Monday, I noticed a gaping hole in the pavement, right at the top edge of a hill and the cross-street with a signal light. For 3 days, I've been sliding around it to the right while I continue on forward. Yesterday it was "filled" but sinking awkwardly. Today - a whole crew.

Before we all had a phone in our hands, we would spend time twiddling our thumbs. How long as it been since you've twiddled? Be honest.

Listening to the lyrics for The Cowsills' - The Rain The Park and Other Things - I'm wondering if that flower girl was giving him poppies or worse - pollen.

Step 1: buy a turtle Step 2: name it Usain Bolt Step 3: announce "I just ran faster than Usain Bolt."

I don't like to admit it, but I came from a broken home. My dad was a lousy carpenter.

No, he's not dead yet. But he might move to Israel soon.

At this point, James Bond has been an oldish man every time. I'm all for a spin-up. Next one is Jane Bond, but in her 40s. The one after that is January Bond, genderfluid and in their 20s. After that, teenage Bond. Can we get a Bond baby? "Born To Drool"

They say, "It's always in the last place you look." So when I find it, I look in two or three more places, just to skew that average a bit. @wildethingy

Are you telling me in the entire discography of Rolling Stones songs, they’ve never had one called “Gathers No Moss”?

I'm "if you act now we'll throw in some Ginsu knives absolutely free" years old.

Remember... Stonehenge is closing early tonight so they can move the rocks back one hour.

Me: Honey. Your clothes are too revealing, and way too tight. She: Well take them off then. No idea why you tried them on in the first place.

Shakespeare was way ahead of his time:

I just bought my wife a slinky outfit. I can't wait to see her going down the stairs.