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@British_Airways finally got back to me. Bear with me. You’ll be astounded. Booked on 15.20 to JFK. Customer services thought it might have engine issues. So they also booked me on 16.35. Without telling me. The 15.20 took off on time, me on board, ignorant of the 16.35 back up. But they did not remove me from the 16.35. On which I became a ‘no show’, they claim. Triggering problems with my return flight (without me knowing). A number of problems with this as a credible explanation: The record of my online executive account shows me on the 15.20 AND the 16.35. Should that not have triggered a security alert? Who is this mysterious person on two planes at once? Bizarrely it describes the 16.35 as a ‘return’ flight i.e I left on the 15.20 to NYC and returned to London on a flight an hour later. Surely another security trigger. Unless they think I’m Dr Who and can breach the space-time continuum. Far from being a ‘no show’, the system has me on both flights to NYC. But they still cancelled my return. They say. Except that they didn’t. When I tried to check in online on the day of my return to London it didn’t say my reservation had been cancelled — it said my flight had already LEFT! I assumed senility was really clicking in and that I’d booked to return a day earlier than I intended. But I hadn’t. On retrieving my e-ticket it clearly showed me returning on the intended night/flight. Now I felt BA was gaslighting me. I tried to check in online again. The system was adamant: ‘you cannot check in because this flight has already departed.’ Of course, it hadn’t. Eventually, after a long, long phone call and much being ‘on hold’ I managed to get reinstated on my original flight. Phew. Of course if I’d just turned up at JFK on the night to check in I would have been stranded. It was the last flight out. At no stage did BA ever contact me to say I no longer had a return flight, to check if I wanted to rebook, to inquire why a ‘lifetime gold card member’ had been a no-show, informing me of how to apply for a refund (since their explanation involves me using neither leg of an expensive first-class ticket). I had a fun time with the lovely lady from BA who called, picking holes in the official ‘explanation’ she’d been asked to deliver. ‘I’ve never laughed so much on a customer call,’ she said. Me neither. Tho there must surely be some security worries about a BA system which shows a passenger as on board, a no show and still hovering somewhere over the Atlantic — all at the same time. Couldn’t some bad actors exploit BA’s Heath-Robinson computer system? Must speak to my pals in MI5/6. Anyway, we finished with her saying ‘Don’t worry Mr Neil, we’re really going to look after you next time you fly BA.’ ‘Please don’t,’ I replied, both of us chuckling as we hung up.

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Mum was always the first to comment on my columns, so this one is for her. Love you, Mum @dailytelegraph dailytelegraph.com.au/news/o…