shane o

Every time I go through my old tweets expecting to cringe from the awfulness, but every time I realize, nah, still pure gold

Gf gets mad when i fall asleep during movies like girl channel that negative energy into tucking me in! Swaddle my ass i dont need to see how Trap ends

Need to stop having 10 beers and going on ebay

Girlfriend hates how much i practiced this around her

If you give me a wireless mic i will immediately leave the stage and say “the fox is in the henhouse”

nobody will remember: - your salary - how “busy you were” - how many hours you worked people will remember: - the joke formats you tried weeks too late - the joke formats you can never quite grasp - pooping your pants during music round at quizzo

What if Moo Deng gets Harambe-d

*MJ Lenderman Voice* I got a wristwatch that tells me…it’s past my bed time

I think this says goodcock every time

Why does the citizens bank app have jason kelce high fiving a dog

It's $200 a person to dine at top of One World Trade Center on 9/11. Wtf. They should be paying ME

Maybe this will change with Paralympics

Is the guy from top gun’s brother

At Wawa I got an Earl Grey tea with Irish Cream. I call it The Troubles

Secret Service Job Interview

Tell Guster I’m sorry, no content comes without cost