Bertie

🇨🇳 🇺🇸 Imagine China invades the United States. Chinese troops occupy Alaska. Chinese missiles destroy American cities, power stations and hospitals. Beijing complains that Washington has been behaving provocatively by refusing to surrender. President Donald Trump appears on television, desperately appealing to Europe for help. Europe’s response? “Donald, shut up. You don’t have the cards. You’re in a very bad position. You should be grateful we’re even talking to you.” Then a Chinese missile strikes an elementary school in Washington. Dozens of American children are killed. A European leader is asked whether Beijing should be held responsible. “Look, it’s terrible. Absolutely terrible. But we must remember that people are dying on both sides. Chinese soldiers are being killed by American troops, too. We cannot simply blame China because some American children have died. We need to understand the legitimate security concerns of both countries.” Meanwhile, reports emerge that 50,000 American children have been forcibly taken by Chinese occupation forces. Children from Ohio, Kentucky, Kansas and Texas have been transported to China, separated from their parents and placed with Chinese families. Europe urges everyone to remain calm. “Frankly, some of these children have been placed with better Chinese families. Very respectable people. Lovely homes. We mustn’t allow emotional arguments about children to derail the peace process.” Trump demands their immediate return. European leaders roll their eyes. “Honestly, the man is exhausting. Every time we speak to Trump, it’s the same bloody thing. Anti-aircraft missiles, air defence systems, ammunition, weapons, weapons, weapons. Can’t he just shut up for five minutes? We’re trying to negotiate peace here.” Meanwhile, Europe demands that Washington immediately stop attacking Chinese oil refineries and military infrastructure. “American strikes are escalating the conflict and threatening global energy prices. Beijing needs reassurance that its infrastructure will be protected.” China continues systematically destroying America’s electricity grid, bridges and railway networks. Europe calls for restraint. From America, naturally. European envoys then fly to Beijing to negotiate lucrative deals involving gas from occupied Alaska and a magnificent new North American security architecture. “We must address China’s legitimate security concerns. Perhaps America could withdraw its troops from certain states and reconsider its military alliances. After all, Beijing has genuine concerns about American military forces operating so close to Chinese positions.” The Chinese positions are in Texas. Trump protests that nobody has asked the Americans what they think. “Donald, we’re negotiating peace. Please stop being difficult. China’s security concerns are just as legitimate as yours.” Eventually, Brussels announces a historic agreement with Beijing determining the future of North America. The Americans are invited to applaud. Now, if this sounds like foreign policy devised by a committee of spectacularly incompetent estate agents attempting to sell a house while its owners are being murdered upstairs, congratulations. Your brain is functioning. In modern American diplomacy, the country invading its neighbour deserves security guarantees, commercial opportunities and understanding. And the children? Well, there are always two sides to every story. The moral collapse of a government. Stay connected, follow @Microinteracti1